Who am I? I'm not so sure. Where can I find the real me now? It feels as though there is no sanctuary and no solace ahead of me. Perhaps what I need is just to be alone. At the same time I do not wish to be alone. I need a new world, a different world.

I keep telling myself that I mustn't do this, that I cannot do that, that I shouldn't feel this. I guess I'm losing track of what is right and what is wrong to feel.

-sigh- Back to watching TV, reading books and looking at others for my dose of bitter sweetness.

Life goes by, day by day. Though I try to make a difference, everything stays the same. Who knows when, somehow, I'll find a way to change things for certain. Perhaps that day will come when I have stretched myself too far. (see here for Point Of No Return)

The image is still there in my mind. The thoughts hovering everytime. How long until I succumb to them? How long until I fall?

Another day of work.

Was a bit apprehensive about the people rushing to and fro ignoring me completely. Nevertheless, things picked up after a while and then soon I was talking to heaps of people (some unnecessarily long conversations dragged on with regards to dogs, tai chi, random chinese pitching and stuff like that).

Finally picked up my two sales, the second one was a bit strange (who knows whether he even understood what on earth was going on lol). Didn't manage to get anyone else after that and was exhausted and suffering from sore feet.

Home to an enjoyable dinner free from the grease and salt of the outside world. Topped it up with a scoop of ice cream, cherries and banana. Nice. =]

TV was good until I succumbed to sleep - in the middle of the season finale of an exciting drama. Daym! Was out like a light and groggy as. Until I remembered other things which needed to be dealt with (like my contacts etc.).

Bit of sorting things out. The room remains rubbish-tip style and my bed is as comforting as ever (though in need of a change of sheets). Brush teeth, shower and all other necessities and finally a few moments with my love.

Stricken by my need and a constant battle between sleep and my conscious thoughts. Everything else seems trivial. And bringing moisture to the eyes is the deviation from my motivation and all reason for me to live as I live now. And so brings forth more thoughts and memories and painful things to be tolerated which cannot truly be tolerated. March on till release... or insanity.

How am I to end my draining day with but a few stolen minutes in hushed whispers and barely anything to satisfy my desperate longing? Despair.

I'm not quite sure how to begin this blog. Nor how to begin to describe my feelings. It feels like life has been playing a huge joke on me, telling me everything I'd ever believed in was just a result of stupidity.

Everyone is so relieved that the haunting plague brought about by studies has been somewhat alleviated - but to me it brings at the same time a relief that it is actually over but also a kind of bruise to my self-worth.

Yes, it is just a number. Yes it is just a ranking that supposedly won't 'ever' be mentioned years down the track. But guess what? That's not really true. And as an overall event, the delivery of my results really impacted the way that I see myself. Gosh. It didn't matter so much before, but the more I think about it, the more distraught I am about these little numbers on my screen. No, I do not have any objections to the subjects that I knew I wasn't great at, but for those that I knew I was excelling in, why give me such a poor reward for my work?

If I take a moment to think about it, life is really quite down in the dumps. I'm exhausted. I'm working my butt off as much as I can - yet it does not always procure the results that I put in the effort for. Sleeping late and waking early - who knows how long I can keep this up for.

Yeah. The truth is I can't do anything to make things better. And everything keeps reminding me that I can't do anything to change what has happened and what is happening. Yeah - pretty damn useless huh?

What's probably ranked right up there amongst the most infuriating things that can happen is when I finally find a way around things, putting in my effort and dedication only to find that it is for naught. I feel like a fool.

I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting. But another nightmare of a day wasn't on my list. I don't want to face anything anymore. I want to run away, hide away by myself and turn my back on the world that has turned its back on me.

And of all the pain and avoidance that I tried to endure, it amounted not to much at all. Afterall, my company did not rate well against that of others, obviously much less worthy of time.

I'm sick of trying. Just let those tears slowly creep back into my life and consume my everything.

I remind myself to be confident, to be happy, to know that there is a purpose to everything that I do. That's what keeps me going. But when my goals dissolve out of sight and I am clouded from my aspirations then everything becomes impossible.

I paint myself a perfect picture of everything that's going on and everything that I hope to go on in the future. Yet it becomes shattered oh so easily.

-sigh- Despairing is stupid. Yet trying to address the problems just exacerbate and worsen the feelings of despair.

What purpose is there to anything I do? I'm hopeless.

The Reason

Oh mann I'm alive and yet I am not alive. I'm doing things that I should be doing and somehow things are going to work out. But things won't work out unless I know why I'm doing them. Yup. You are the reasonnnnn *sings* - you are the reason I wake up everyday - sleeeeep through the night... (how romantic is Celine Dion?)

So obviously when something means THAT much to you, you can't quite feel the same without it. I miss you so bad. You're the puzzle piece that completes my life.

Intoxication.

Always the more practical way of dealing with dilemmas is to endeavour to find a solution and a way to resolve, redress or compensate for their events. Our experiences illuminate many things to us, both good and bad. For me personally, my problems have accentuated my great sense of love.

I'm not quite sure how to express what I feel. It is a sense of need and of affection. My greatest priorities have been highlighted to me and it is my obligation to pursue and to preserve them. Sometimes things can become difficult or painful, but that only makes the happy moments more wonderful and more beautiful.

Suddenly arrives the moment where my actions no longer matter to me and what matters is only to treasure and make the most out of each and every moment I may possess. Time is sweet and stolen time is only sweeter.

Forgive me for my passion. I'm intoxicated.

My life is just one big game of pretend.

Everyday I pretend that the most important thing in my life doesn't really exist.
Everyday I pretend that somehow everything is going to work out in the future.
I pretend there is no conflict.
I pretend that I'm going to succeed in my career.
I pretend that I'm going to live a comfortable life.
I pretend that I'm working hard.
I pretend that my parents will accept everything as I've planned it.
I pretend that people are better than they really are.
I pretend that things will all work out if we just will them to.

I pretend I pretend I pretend.

I pretend I don't cry.

And amidst all this pretense, I can't really tell anymore which is the truth and which is fake.

Who the hell am I anyway?

How am I supposed to be able to be who I want to be?

Am I to continue to pretend that things will work out just fine?
Am I to continue to believe that there are not a billion obstacles that stand in front of me?
Am I to continue to pretend I can transcend any of them?

I hate everything.
And I fail to pretend.
I don't want to pretend anymore.

Screw everything.
I'll pretend I want to be alone.
And I'll pretend I want company.
I'll pretend I want someone to understand.
And I'll pretend that someone does.

I had my uni french exam today!
It had that feeling which I assume is my brain saying 'you ain't going nowhere now'.
So less stress. More dealing with the situation that I am facing.
Good old exam reaction when I am to a certain extent, prepared.

Final exam on weds.
French.
Then work.
Then home.
Then exhaustion, sleep and looking for more work?
Lol.

What if it all doesn't work out?
Then I'm screwed.
There are so many things that could potentially (and have a high potential) to go wrong.
Bleh!
I'm trying my best. I really am.

And amongst all these things.
I try my best to avoid everything that is unpleasant.
Keep a peaceful mind.
Remind myself over and over.
Pushing away what I don't want to deal with.

And the strangest thing is.
When I push one thought out of my head.
Another one pops up.
It's a never-ending flow of thoughts!
Why can't suppression work for me?
Stupid Freud =]

I can't believe it.
I miss psych already.
Haha.
I don't understand how life works. =/
Have I made the right choices?

Am I hiding away from everything that is wrong?
Is it going to come back and terrorise me?
I don't want to face it.

Was just watching another old HK drama on TVB and it was one of those comical ones about the time just before the law was set that men could only wed ONE wife.

So anyway, it just made me think about this whole sort of thing. (God it's an informal expository essay, I even have the anecdote >.<) Bah, I can't describe how I feel. I am, in fact, confronted with the brutal reality of things. Men are just not very monogamous.

Bleh. As I have always said, all girls, in some form or manner, overtly or secretly, are jealous.

What am I even saying?

Hahaha, anyway, I have tuition soon, then I'm going to dye my hair. Yay.

I'm bored of this blog.

Get out of my head you silly thought.

On the other hand, it is interesting to note that people will always be willing to believe a false version of things if it gives them an alternative to something they do not wish to confront. I do it all the time. In censoring the truth from others, am I prohibiting myself to view things with clarity?

Gosh I just don't even know what's going on =/

I suppose what I've come to is a bland acceptance of things, however they may be. It's not intolerable, but it's not that much greater than bleak.

Maybe things will get better in the future. =]

Surprises are so sweet. =]
And as I said to mum, what girl doesn't like a surprise (except my mum herself). Haha!

My sister is engaaaaaged.

Hehe, I'll keep dreaming.
I'm smittened just seeing other people's romances.

*keeps dreaming*

Solace.

As humans, we are often far too biased to keep our opinions from clouding our judgement. We attach emotions and expectations to everything of significance that we encounter and thus cannot establish a truely objective reality.

This applies to things as simple as going to a restaurant. The first time you go, you relish the feeling of freshness and the unexplored. You then return again and again, seeking those positive feelings that your experience once elicited. But as you go back again and again, you find that you can no longer find what you were expecting because it is 'no longer as good as it once was'. Is that true? Is it the restaurant that's changed, or is it you?

Anyhow, I must remind myself over and over, that the past was not perfect, the present isn't perfect nor will the future be perfect. You just have to deal with it. Stop clouding your mind with exaggerated emotions of happiness, or sadness or anything of the sort. If things change, it's because people change, because people adapt.

Ultimately, life is full of ups and downs, and it all just comes down to how we look at it. We'll always reminisce of a time where things were wonderful - just to offer ourselves a moment of solace. Here lies my solace.

Never had I found

That reality could surpass fantasy

That what could be imagined

Would be exceeded by reality

Bursts of passion and romance

Sweetness to the eyes, the lips, the mind

The halcyon passing of time

Bringing to me all that is life.

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

That's a principle I learned many, many years ago. Originally its meaning intended to discourage kids from bullying one another and to encourage them to treat each other nicely.

Ultimately, my favourite kind of love is still 'sweet love', the love that is raw and fresh! The love that is new and unexplored. That's adapting, that's anticipating, that's sweet and romantic!

Dou hai gong fan gor goe. Tum har ngor la, hol ma?

I'll wait.

And yet I cannot escape the mist of doubt, of fear and of sadness.
I am afraid.
I am so afraid.

And my birthday began and ended as one. Shrouded in uncertain tears.

And life goes on.

Sometimes stolen time can be so sweet.

Perfumes I L.I.K.E! =D

Viva La Juicy - I love the name. And it smells not bad. =]

Anna Sui Secret Wish - one of the first perfumes I've ever fallen in love with!

Pretty Nina - self-explanatory.

On The Beach - oh such a BEAUTIFUL PERFECT scent ^^

Nina - by Nina Ricci - love the scent!

Nina Precious Swarovski - never smelt it before, but it looks nice!

Anna Sui Dolly Girl - bought it but haven't opened it yet! Love the scent as well!

Night of Fancy - appears to be quite alluring!

Magic Romance - I love it as much as Secret Wish, esp. coz it's PINK!

Love by Nina Ricci - the perfume I want the MOST on this list. I love love love love love love love love love love love love love love it! =D

Haven't smelt this one either. Flight of Fancy.

DKNY Red Delicious - delicious!

DKNY Be Delicious Kisses - I think it was out for a limited period of time. But it's so pretty!

DKNY Be Delicious Fresh Blossom - need I say more?

Bonjour L'Amour! Et bien je l'aime!

Baby Doll Pom Poms Limited Edition - saw it at Discount Chemist. Love at first sight!

So anyway, there are heaps of different perfumes out there.. some that I've seen in the past that you can't really buy anymore.. some that are new.. and some that have just been there for a little while. This is the collection of fragrances I'm fond of - looks, brand, scent or whatever else! =D

And though I yearned only to be saturated by your love.
That which I find is only the shadowing of the present by sweetened memories.
And despite words upon words I have spoken.
Their meaning only fades away into ashes.

What does it matter anymore?
I am imprisoned in my misery.
Words upon words you gave me.
Yet they were but words that were never to be my reality.

I cannot fathom my existence.
Nor the existence of what I perceived to be.
Now I am incarcerated by doubt.
And further estranged from emancipation.

Who is there is save me?
Oh the times that I have cried out.
All for naught, for nothing.
And I am left with only my tears.

And why do I fall short of passion.
That which I offer in overwhelming plethora.
Though feel not impassioned.

And why do I fall short of the trance.
That which I cannot seem to conjure.
Seems to waver in its uncertainty.

And why do I commit such acts.
That which lacerate the conscience.
Superfluous in purpose, process and repercussions.

And now I feel such derision.
That which flounders all my efforts.
Cuts me silent in my path.

And attribute to the spinebill.
That which it desires sought freely.
Bring at last to me my sweetness.

The memories of our experiences and personal events are categorised as 'episodic memories'. But they're not just memories of events. These memories carry also with them all the feelings and emotions that we felt as they occurred.

Here is my question: Why is it that we remember the negative feelings so strongly that they overshadow all our happy feelings?

I really hate myself right now. And yet I still wallow in my own self pity. I'm a nutcase. And there's no one here to comfort me. Oh god there is no one ever to comfort me.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.
Why can't I fix things?
Why can't everything be good?

I hate myself.

And I never knew how much it would hurt to have you treat me as a stranger.

It is not strange that we are born the way that we are. Can we not learn to appreciate what we have been dealt instead of always restricting ourselves and blaming ourselves for being what we are?

Having just read someone's blog, I begin to speculate again about all the things that dictate our behaviour. There are so many things that are 'wrong', that are 'sins', that are frowned upon. Yet are these things not simply a part of human nature? Are we not the way that we have been made? Are we not, in actual fact, critisising His creation by acting out against our nature?

Excuse me, I simply felt like exploring that idea for a moment.

On a new strand of thought, this person expressed her admiration for several couples for having endured for such a long period of time. This blog wasn't written so long ago. Yet 2 out of the 4 couples first listed have already split up. And I know for a fact that the other two are not perfect either.

Why do we always strive for perfection? What is perfection? What is whole and immaculate? If it is how we are, how nature intended us to be, is that not perfect already?

It's funny how you have a big crowd of people, all smiling and chatting. But underneath the façade, everyone is just as sad and lonely and everyone has their own problems. Everyone. Funny.

Having just taken such a strike against all the things that try to aim for perfection.. I will hypocritically wish that things were 'perfect', and if not 'perfect', at least free from whatever it is that ails us.

And then an honest word:

I would sacrifice anything to continue being with you for always. As long as you continue to love me and want me. Nothing matters so much as being with you.

I'm sick of crying.
And I really am so lonely.
But who is here to comfort me?

Well, now that I'm semi over fussing over non-existent issues and bullshit and whatever else my mind has all too willingly conjured up to torture me. I'm going to zoom back into the petty world and say that although at the time I was too troubled by my thoughts too care.. come to think of it.. that was pretty bad.

Urgh.

Now I'm gonna fuss over this.

And it's stupid.

And I don't want to bother with this.

Yet it's gonna stick.

Why did you have to do it?

SO WHAT if ________________________.

Big effing deal.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Besides that.. I just dunno.

I CAN'T THINK.

I can't study. T__T

I need to study.

I dunno what to do.

I like my original plan.

But I don't have the strength/courage to do it.

I hate myself.

More greyness.

I just want to feel loved.
I don't want to feel lonely.

My wants contradict each other.
I cannot have what I want the most.

It is but a river of tears

The redness of the eyes

The icy grip on the heart

It is but a gasp of breath

The tormenting thoughts

The fear, the pain, the insecurity

It is but conflict

The clash between two souls

The laceration of the relationship

The crushing of the heart

Examiners don't dig poems during the english exam. But anyway, today was ok as far as days go. Ups and downs. This morning when I woke up I couldn't open my eyes and I spent 2 hrs squinting at everything in the house. Luckily that went away as the day proceeded.

French SAC was ok. Worked way too slowly for my liking. I think my french has deteriorated lately. How disappointing. Then we had assembly (more lecturing on behalf of the coordinators), english (boredom galore), lunch (pleasantly entertaining) and chem (a useLESS lesson).

So let's talk about the nice parts of my day.
Lunch was fun coz I find a warm consolation in the brightness of my buddies and their cute care towards one another. Bleh I busted too much money again. But it was fun.

Afterschool I spent some quality time with the beloved. Twas good.

Then I went to uni. Interesting stuff to learn about the revolution. In other words, read the same description in more sophisticated and convoluted language of a different historian to the previous. Most people zoned out. Permanently. I came in and out of consciousness. Not bad.

Met up with Lolo after uni. Bought her sushi. Bought 2 packs for some reason. We didn't need 8 sushi rolls. Met up with Liv. Turns out she'd bought 4 sushi rolls too. Definitely didn't need 12 sushi rolls. xP Hers was Kenzan though. <3

Ate too much again.
I'm starting to be a girl 'who eats her feelings'.
They'll need a crane to get me out of the house.

Why the flat tone?
Fear of hoping.
What if?

I really wish I could be someone that I can be with pride. I wish to be someone who I can look back on and say "I made the right choices, I did the right things". I'm finding that so hard right now. Amongst all the many choices that I have made and am making this very moment, what has truly contributed to me being able to show a glimmer of pride for what I have done? I'm just useless. Useless and hopeless at everything that I do. That's a fact.

Was thinking today about a period of time during which I had felt extremely emotionally compromised. God that was so stupid. I was on my way to uni and just sitting on the train crying.. then I got to uni and sat on the back stairs of the building and cried some more. That's all I can do when something goes wrong. Cry. But that was another story. One of those other 'minor' problems I'll push to the back of my mind for the time being.

So anyway, coupled with a retarded sense of self esteem, here I am drifting along do jack all. I don't even know what I'm doing half the time. And I don't even know where I'm going with this blog. The more I type, the more stupid it sounds.

I guess the more you put yourself out there, the greater the risk of you getting hurt. But the more you pull yourself in, the more you hurt whoever it is out there trying to get to you. Mais comment est-ce que je peux me montrer si je ne peux pas m'accepter? Je ne veux pas pleurer encore. Et puis je pleure.

I don't even know what I want.
To be wanted?

Happy Endings.

So I was opening this blog so that I could blog about how much I love Twilight. Yes, lame I know. But I do, I seriously do. I'm not saying it's the best story in the world, nor that it is extremely well written. Ok, we hit the snag, I love it for the same reason as most of the Twilight fans of the world. Because it is such an idealistic, such a romantic (or corny) story. Because it paints a beautiful picture of love. Ok, I'm a sucker for love stories. Who doesn't want a happy ending?

Then I started reading other people's blogs (as per usual) and sorta took my little vacation from my own life to delve into the mysteries of other people's lives. Alas they remain an enigma to me. Me+others = mutually exclusive. I've had my share of time despairing over that (sometimes clandestinely) but yeah. That's not gonna end.

I want a happy ending.

Twilight.

Finally saw HP6 yesterday! Weeee. It was good. I liked it. Not judging it on the basis of the book, it was an enjoyable movie. Lavender was soooo annoying I wanted to hit her >.<"

Ran out of things to read so I decided that I'd brave New Moon again the other day. Failure. I read maybe 2 pages and then I chickened out. I don't have the bravery to read that book again. Sounds stupid I know, but that book is a nightmare for me.

So anyway. I was checking out New Moon online and checked out one of the trailers for the movie. 1:37 seconds worth of trailer. 1:37 seconds worth of teariness. Bleh! Honestly I'd be a laughing stock watching that movie. I'd probably cry all the way through. Just like in the book... >.<" Not funny.

Anyhoo, I still love Twilight (secretly) anyway. =]

These are a few of my favourite things...

Done sth wrong again. Urgh. This is so stupid.

Ok. So, a better way to write a blog. I'm going to talk about all the things that I'd really like. *save save save save save* Right, keep yours eyes on the prize O.o

1. To move out to an apartment with Lo+k7riz (THE goal)

2. Samsung F480 in PINK =D

3. Optical drive for my netbook <3

4. A shmexy camera

5. 2nd piercings on my ears

6. Shmexy bedspread

7. Relief from certain things

8. Sucess in many things

Wish me luck =]

A not so long day.

The day wasn't too long today. Even though I had a 3 hr eng pratise exam. Haha. By the 3rd essay, you just crumble into a squishy pool of brain juice and lack of creativity. Yup. Well I survived it. Had an absolutely awful moment when I was desperately trying to remember a word. I remembered it after I finished my essay. So I went back. I was sooo happy. After all, in my process of conjuring up that word, I swear I must've looked a bit constipated. >.<" Word constipation.

So today was a good day. Yup. I feel better about myself somehow. Not sure that anything has changed but still, I feel better. In a way. Haha. I like eng. I enjoy it. I just gotta study harder for it! I remember the good old days when it used to be one of my fav subs. xP

How nice it is to blog about something trivial.

On the other hand, I FINALLY got my Valentine's present home. O.M.G it has been like.. 5 months. My poor locker was vair full. xP

I envy. Envy those who are with their friends laughing happily. Belonging. Oh how I wish I could belong. Yet I do not. Wish I could find people with which I can talk about more than superficial things. People who care about me that would understand. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me whenever conflict rears its ugly head. I am a pariah.

Someone once said to me 'Why try to fit in when you are born to stand out?', I remember as I read those words tears had been slowly sliding down my cheeks. But it extends beyond belonging in the sense of being uniform with other people. I mean belonging in the sense that people want me there. People I can confide in and in turn would confide in me. Yet that just doesn't exist. I am isolated.

My brain is simmering with a thousand contradictory thoughts. I cannot live this way. On one side of the scale, I desire, I want, I need. On the other, I am repulsed by my dependance. What a raging, fiery war these thoughts rage in my mind. Yet no one who could understand. I am alone.

I'm sick of needing. I need to be needed.
But who needs me?
I am nobody.

It was at first a senseless dream, really.. Then all of a sudden, it became an agonising nightmare. One that felt like I was grating off my own finger or peeling off my own skin. It was the worst nightmare I'd ever had.

What was so awful about it? I think it managed to touch on every single one of my insecurities and remind me how things are/could be. There was no one who could help me. No one who could understand. No one who could offer me the slightest bit of comfort.

Which is as it would be in such a situation. I'd drown in my own sorrow. Jump off a building. Stick a knife in my chest. Run onto a freeway. Lie in the train tracks. Anything to end my agony.

Then my eyes open. It is bright. Yet I realise that I have woken from one nightmare into another. There is no escaping. More bad news. Then no news at all. I don't know what's worse. Too wary to get out of bed. Too traumatised to fall back asleep.

I said I wouldn't cry anymore.

Coherency.

Why is it so hard?
Was it so much for me to ask for?
If it's such a chore, then let's just never do it again.

It's all good and well for you.
It's not like you ever have any difficulty.

But this is all I get.

Deny me of it then.

Would it work out if I denied you too?
Make you understand?

Would you even understand?

I guess you just don't understand what it is to me.
But as I said. It's all I get.

Am I so selfish to want it?

I don't want your charity.
Just tell me once and for all that you don't want it.
And it'll be over and done with.

And I'll find my own way.

In the meantime..
Excuse the appropriate pun that I would have otherwise written.

Frugality Regime Day 2.

Day 2.

Technical Grade: Pass!

Self Grade: Pass!

Recordings:

From own pocket: 60 cents

Food: Sushi roll, miso soup and maccas cone (total ~ $5)

Other spendings: $9.90

Comments:

Not bad. Spent much less than yesterday. On food also due to not having bought any exquisite drinks! Other spendings were dispensed to prevent further regret on item which was much lusted after for an extended period of time. =]

Frugality Regime Day 1.

Day 1.
S and S policy implementation. (scab and save)

Technical Grade: Pass

Self Grade: Not satisfactory.

Recordings:

From own pocket: $0
Food: Miso and C&B Ultimate Ice Blended (total < $10)

Other spendings: $81

Comments:

Satisfactory in terms of having dispensed any of my own money. Dissatisfactory in regard to the amount spent regardless. A portion were somewhat essentials.

Something that really touches on your insecurities..

I didn't like New Moon. I mean, it was Twilight, but it was awful. I'm not sure how many times I cried reading that book. (whose origins were again, worthy of noting) Now I'm re-reading Shopaholic and Baby (you guys all know the Shopaholics series yeah? Confessions of a Shopaholic, maybe?) and EUUUURGHH it's so awful it makes me wanna scream!

You know that thing. Where you think.. omg is something wrong? And then you try and dig into it and you hit a wall and think OMFG SOMETHING IS WRONG!! Haha. Then your other half gets all shifty.. goes out on mysterious meetings and never seems to have any time left for you for supposedly legitimate reasons. Bleh. Gross. Disgusting. *vomits*

Ok. So all my life I'd thought 'Hey, poor girl.' when I see these kinda things happen on TV. (like, omg poor girl her husband is totally neglecting her etc.) Then mum will say 'Omg what a loser. Her husband NEEDS to work, or else where would all the money come from?'. Ok. So I try to accept her opinion. But daymmm! I totally get what it feels like. Bleh.

Not that I'm saying that anything is wrong with me or anything. Just that.. these situations are so awful I thought I'd blog about them coz they're awful. Ew.

But yeah, as I was saying: Shopaholic and Baby.
You get these sexy, good-looking, skinny chicks who suddenly get along really well with your other half. You're like.. 'ok.. that's fine. I trust him.' - then we hit a snag. 'I don't trust her.' Ewness. Gosh that is so awful. Then you get that awful situation when you try to confront your other half and then they get annoyed and then you spend even less time with them and it gets worse and worse and then you die.

Ha.

That's so awful.

You know there's something wrong when you avoid verbalising whatever it may be that is eating away at you. Just because you don't want to shatter your beautifully constructed picture. That's when you realise that this conjured-up reality is nowhere near any form of reality.

Maybe our school should have done reality for context. I'd have a bit to talk about. But then again, it's not like conflict isn't applicable either. Great. Wonderful. Let's hope I can ace the next context sac then, huh?

Don't you love those moments, where you feel like just saying "f**k this sh!t I'm outta here"? Then you sit down and think, "nono, that's not the right way to think.. think about it this way instead". Ha! I love that. Because it's a never-ending cycle. Life sucks. Nono, life is great. No, life sucks. Life is what you make of it. Doesn't that mean life sucks? Think of all the things that make life wonderful!

Ah. Then we hit that nasty kink. All the things that make life wonderful. Don't you love it when they all tumble away? Then, you have nothing left to back up your argument with. Then you just accept it. Life sucks. Until you feel your conditioned head automatically thinking "NO TO HELL WITH YOU LIFE IS GREAT!".

Words do not act like acids and bases. You can't neutralise them. They linger long after they are said.

C'est bien!

Non. Je ne le comprend pas. Pas du tout. J'ai préparé pour toutes les réactions possibles, mais c'était lorsque j'ai pensé que tout ira bien que tout s'est mis à aller mauvais. Je ne le comprend pas! Mais c'est bien, tu ne m'as rien dire. C'est bien, tu ne parles pas avec moi. Je le comprend. Tu es bien occupé, comme toujours. Mais pourquoi est-ce que tu es devenu fâché? Est-ce que j'ai quelquechose? Oui? Non? Un réponse s'il te plaît. Mais c'est bien. Tu peux faire ce que tu veux. Laisses-moi à faire ce que je veux. Mourir. Ou quelquechose comme ça.

Contradictions.

Sometimes we ourselves do not understand what we are thinking. Yet sometimes we get trapped in a train of thought so obsessively that we can think of little else. Sometimes I wish the world was simpler, yet at the same time I try to appreciate its complexity. So which is true? A world at equilibrium - full of love and hate, light and dark, right and wrong etc.? Or are all these things simply ideas conjured by mankind? Does 'right' or 'wrong' exist only in our world? What is morality to any other inhabitant of this earth? What is morality but something that makes us feel better about ourselves as people?

On a more trivial note. Too bad it doesn't seem like we're juggling time very well. I want to see you.. yet sometimes I don't. Not at the price of your mental state =/ I want to talk to you. Yet it is not an utterly exhausted person that I wish to talk to. There is no point that way. Do you understand? =/ Am I asking for too much? If I am.. then I'd rather ask for nothing at all. But a life devoid of you is a life devoid of living. And what is a life not lived? I'd be nowhere without you.

Love.

What is it that constitutes a true love story?

Is it tragedy?

Obstacles?

Passion?

Endurance?

Or any other matter that defines it specifically?

Having just seeked out yet another renowned love story in history, I was shocked to find that there was controversy over whether the story could actually be deemed a 'love' story. Truly, it is awful that someone could critique someone else's life story in such a way. But yet again, it pulls me back to the grand question: What is love?

The story of Abelard et Heloise:

In a letter to Abelard, Heloise wrote: "You know, beloved, as the whole world knows, how much I have lost in you, how at one wretched stroke of fortune that supreme act of flagrant treachery robbed me of my very self in robbing me of you; and how my sorrow for my loss is nothing compared with what I feel for the manner in which I lost you."

This story is one of two passionate lovers joined by their passion for knowledge and letters. Separated by over 20 years in age, they were forced to part by Fulbert, Heloise's uncle. This however, did not end their affair. When they found that Heloise had fallen pregnant to Abelard's child, they stayed at his sister's until they had given birth to her child.

It is said that Abelard then pleaded for Fulbert's forgiveness and his permission for their marriage. After a secret marriage, Heloise went to stay with nuns, the cause of which her uncle misinterpreted as having been cast off by Abelard. Seeking vengeance, Fulbert and his kinsmen sneaked into Abelard's lodgings and had him castrated.

Violently incensed, they laid a plot against me, and one night while I all unsuspecting was asleep in a secret room in my lodgings, they broke in with the help of one of my servants whom they had bribed. There they had vengeance on me with a most cruel and most shameful punishment, such as astounded the whole world; for they cut off those parts of my body with which I had done that which was the cause of their sorrow.

Abelard and Heloise continued living, both devoting themselves to the Church and communicating only via letters, now famous for their passion and heartwrenching words.

Heloise asks for his words, saying: "While I am denied your presence, give me at least through your words--of which you have enough and to spare--some sweet sem­blance of yourself." She ends the letter with: "I beg you, think what you owe me, give ear to my pleas, and I will finish a long letter with a brief ending: farewell, my only love."

To her passionate letters, he responds in part: "If since our conversion from the world to God I have not yet written you any word of comfort or advice, it must not be attributed to indifference on my part but to your own good sense... I did not think you would need these things..."

Is love truly something to be rejoiced? Or is it simply a cause for sadness, sorrow and tragedy...?

"When my self is not with you,

it is nowhere."

Héloise. (c. 1098-1164)

"Tis very much like light,

a thing that everybody knows yet none can tell what ot make of it:

'Tis not money, fortune, joynture, raving, stabbing, hanging,

romancing, flouncing, swearing, ramping,

desiring, fighting, dying,

though all those

have been, are, and still will be

mistaken and miscalled for it."

Holidays

Well this is it! We are well on our way through the holidays (already?!) - unfortunately. But at least the past few days have been eventful! =] Indeed. (That's becoming a pet word) So.. what have I done these holidays?

• School (chem)
• Uni (french)
• Study (or pretend to study)
• City (too much)
• k7riz
• Sleepover @ my sister's (who is conveniently just.. down the stairs LOL)

Some cool pics:

Just hope~!

As per usual, looking at other people's albums and blogs gives me an urge to get out and do something fun. Too bad it just doesn't work like that. There's heaps to do. Wish there could be more freedom to spend time with the people that I'd like to spend time with. Makes me think really.. to be able to live with someone you chose to live with.. it's such a special thing.

I would really like to party and laugh and have fun with friends. Hopefully I can do that sometime soon. I'm bored and lazy right now. I haven't done any hwk much but I've been doing work everyday nonetheless. So it hasn't really been a proper holiday for me. I've had extra-curricular activies everyday. Bleh! So tomorrow and Sunday are my first OFFICIAL days of the holiday.. except they're the weekend so they don't count. Haha. What holiday?

Anyway, so now I'm putting a lot of hope into k7riz fulfilling his dream of moving out.. and taking me with him someday. <3>

-sigh- I really, really, really love you.

I've got to stop crying damnit. Yet here I am thinking foolishly about those times where you used to say to me "Someone asked me to go to Eureka but I said no because it's something that I wanted to do with you" or "Someone asked me to go to dinner but I haven't done that with you before so I'm not going". Ha. It was so sweet. Yet now I've sort of become accustomed to it. And it hurts to be stuck at home, lonely, while you have so much fun with all your other friends. It just keeps reminding me of how caged I am. And it hurts so bad.

And the more I hurt, the further you are pushed away from me. I can't keep dwelling on this stupid hope that things will be different in the future. What proof is there that things will be different in the future? I feel so isolated from you. Now I'm not even worth the trouble for you to see me. I guess I'm just not good enough.

Why must you leave me stranded in tears?
Do you even care about me anymore?

Freedom.

Today was the second time in three days that I couldn't help crying on the train. -sigh- Am I so emotionally unstable? I don't want to be a burden for you. Yet I can't help but feel so sad lately. I guess I am stressed out, yes, unable to cope. I wish I had freedom.

Freedom of speech, of desires and from restraints and oppression.
Am I asking for so much?

What is the point?

I had thought that this morbid mood of mine would soon past. But events just seem to render me more and more useless and as a result more and more unhappy. Is there a reason to be happy? Oh those lonely feelings haunt me continuously. I've lost the motivation to do anything. Chemistry SAC? What's the point anyway? I'm not good enough.

And thinking again. You're an awful person. What would you like me to do? Sit at home till I rot and mould? Honestly. Just because you're free of all these burdens, doesn't mean that you can sit there and judge and admonish and restrict. How would you like it if someone did that to you? And somehow I have to be nice too. You're just an awful person.

No one cares about me. What happened to those wonderful moments where people are supposed to say "I'll always support you no matter what," or "You can count on me,", or even just "You can tell me anything"? No. Unfortunately there is no one. We are just all so tangled up in our own lives anyway. Do I look sad? Well maybe that's because I am. And I just don't know how to make myself feel better. I shall drown in my own sadness.

Sometimes I really do want to just break away from everything so that I can immerse myself in my studies. But can that really work? Would I be so heart-wrenched with pain that I cannot think, cannot work, cannot process anything? What would it be like for me not to care about anything anymore? Why should I care when no one cares about me anyway?

Yeah. I know I'm being a brat. But I can't help it. If you're not going to put in some effort then stuff you. It's not THAT hard. I mean, I have stuff to do too. I have school work. I've always had school work. I've been tired just like you. I'm stressed. I have committments. So what? It never stopped me from interacting with you. Nor did I continuously complain of fatigue or of stress. So now here I am, stressed as hell. Because I know that I cannot do well. And I can't even ask you for help. Because you're just too busy for me.

So now here's my screwed up little world. It's screwed as hell. And although I love you and I miss you, sometimes I'd just rather not talk to you. Then maybe I'd miss you less. Yeah, ok. I'm taking this for granted. Ha. What are you gonna do? Get rid of me?

Ok. So I don't mean any of that. But venting this retarded crap out of my head makes me feel better. I really don't know why I feel this way. I feel as though I'm just on the edge. Always on the brink of tears. Good fortune smiles down upon me but now I refuse to acknowledge it. I will waste my time doing stupid things. Blah. What's the point of it all?

What is the point?

S.T.R.E.S.S

Yeah it's just outright illogical. But even though I know it is, I can't help but act this way. I'm stressed. Is that an excuse? Coz I'm suddenly so tired of everything. I can't seem to handle anything at all. Stress - unpleasant psychological or physiological tension due to external or internal forces, which is perceived as exceeding one's ability to cope.

My favourite cognitive symptom of prolonged stress - catastrophising. Haha. So here I am. I'm going to catasphrophise my situation. I've totally given up trying to maintain an acceptable state in terms of tidiness of my room, my appearance and who knows what else. There's heaps of work and little time. I procrastinate when I believe that I have a few hours to do work. Then I get nothing done. I'm heartsick and lonely and no one cares about me. Heard enough?

Who cares anyway? No one even reads this piece of crap. That's why I write here, right? So I guess I should be allowed to say anything I want to say. Good. I hate this shit. I can't wait till school ends. I just feel so damn stuck. The same old stupid routine over and over. The same classes, the same people, the boring repetition of retarded facts and theories. Stuff that.

We're all just too god damn stressed out to do jack all. But the more stressed I get, the more I feel as though things are just stupid and I ought to just give up. Nice attitude huh? Well whatever. My life is just this stupid sine curve anyway. Up, down, up, down. I get down then I try to convince myself I'm up. Then I fall down again. Bullcrap. This is bullCRAP I say.

Bah. Why're you calling me anyway? I don't want to talk to you. I just want to fester in my own cloud of retardedly illogical and irrational thoughts. Talking to you will just make things worse. I'll be grumpy and spiteful and pick fights with you. Hang up damn it. Thank you.

Blah. What's the point of it all anyway?

"We've got this gift of love,

but love is like a precious plant.

You can't just accept it and leave it in

the cupboard or just think it's going to get

on by itself. You've got to keep watering it.

You've got ot really look after it and nurture it."

John Lennon (1940-1980)

Away time flies.

Bring colour to my life.

Here passes another day, another week, another month of my life. Time flies ever so quickly - it drains away era by era. As one of the more important years of my life, time will pass ever more quickly and I have to remind myself over and over to cherish what time I have. But there is so little time.

There is a constant battle for domination of thoughts in my mind. It frolicks from studies to stress, friendships to relationships, right to wrong and whether I am simply thinking too much. I admit it, I over-think. But that's ok. I guess it's just part of my identity.

Everytime I open blogger it brings a slight pang of pain. It reminds me something I wish could have been. Yet now I begin to question whether it was anything in the first place. I long to be there for somebody. To be a friend to whom others could divulge their fears, their hopes and their emotions. Somehow I just don't quite fit the criteria. But that's ok. I know that no one needs me. Can it be that I somehow need someone to need me?

I cannot think. It is once again too late in the night. All that I can do is sleep. Yet where did all my time go? It ran away, as per usual.

The Meaning.

No matter how emotional or heartfelt the words, I refused to shed my tears. But it was when I read your old entry that I finally succombed to my sorrow. Because I know that somehow, this all means something. Maybe right now I am not rational enough to deduce what it could possibly mean nor the severity of it - but somehow it just means something.

We are urged to be positive in life. To look at the 'silver lining', to believe that where there's a will, there's a way. These are universal morals. Not just english or chinese or french or whatever. It's the same message being sent across over and over.

I thought I'd believed in these principles. That as long as you stayed optimistic, nothing was impossible. But sometimes it feels like life is impossible. What is there to believe in when that in which you have placed your faith is shattered over and over again? Is it truly a matter of triviality? I want to look at this from an objective and logical perspective and that is why my mind is now void. I just don't know. I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do.

But you know what? Regardless of anything and everything I won't give up. Because this is my life's meaning. My promise to both myself and to you. And whatever silly resolutions I give up over and over, this is one thing I'm going to do properly. And somehow.. things will work out.

There's always something..

Have you guys noticed that there is always something? There's always something that is in the way. Something that holds you back, or something that stops you from taking that one extra step. Sometimes it's time, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's someone - but everytime, there WILL always be something.

Guess that's just life huh?

There was a time I thought I knew

About life and what to do

And now It's plain I know nothing at all

I should have known better

But I took it all on blind faith

And now the bad guys have all run away

Lonely won't leave me alone

Tried I tried but you won't let go

It's a pain that won't go away

Lonely won't leave me alone

Paralysis.

It was warm. I opened my eyes. Comforted by the embrace of my blanket. I could see my hands crossed, resting on my stomach. I lifted my arm slowly, fatigued. It felt as though it had been lifted.. yet the image of my hands crossed remained. I tried again. I pulled both of my hands away and lifted them yet all I could see was that one image, my fingers intertwined. I sensed my parents' presence in the room and I opened my mouth to call out. I called over and over again 'Mum.. Dad.. Dad.. Mum?' But to no avail. My voice was muted. No matter how hard I tried, I could muster no sound.

Again I tried to lift myself up. I could feel myself rising yet my body remained lying down. I stopped, scared that somehow I would leave my body behind entirely. I was trapped. Unable to speak, unable to rise. It began to feel increasingly hot to the point of discomfort, and there I was - paralysed.

Another day of my favourite life.

Totally awesome is what I'd call it =] Had uni today. First official LECTURE. It was pretty awesome. I liked it and I realised that my note-taking skills are pretty good ^^ Makes me feel less stupid =D I'm looking forward to things a bit more. Met more normal people - makes me feel good to know I'm not just a stupid one. Haha. =]

Sticker photos from Sunday

He's Just Not That Into You.

"I found a new word," he said, "quixotic."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"Ideal, but unrealistic."

From his reticent tones, I knew that he would tell no more. Standing there, only the length of a ruler away, I felt as though there was an entire world between us. I was left to decipher the meaning behind his words as he fell back into a taciturn state, staring apathetically ahead. I could hear every beat of my heart as I struggled to understand. I sneaked a look at him, hoping to gain some form of clue from his enigmatic pose. Quixotic. Could it be that he believed all that was between us was quixotic? That the notion of being together was in reality nothing but idealistic?

When I could take no more, I turned away carefully placing one foot in front of the other and forbidding myself to look back. My neck tingled and I wondered whether he had his soft gaze on me. Perhaps that too, was too quixotic a thought.

Later that night I was at a complete standstill. There was nothing I could do because there was only one thing on my mind. Only one person. This one thought flushed out everything that could have possibly been on my mind (the upcoming math test for example). My fingers inched toward my mobile when suddenly it lit up. It was him.

When I opened my eyes the sun was pouring through my window. Had everything been a dream? I couldn't quite remember what had happened. I rolled over and retrieved my phone from the floor. 10 new messages! I rapidly scrolled through them, checking for the identity of the senders. To my delight, one of the first ones had his lovely name attached to it. Smiling in anticipation, I opened the file:

Hey! Just wanna wish you happy birthday!!!

Happy 16TH (u r 16 ryt)

I still don't know what to give you though...

maybe myself?

Whoever said girls were complicated was totally deluded. This guy is harder to understand than advanced calculus. At least I can safely deduce that there was no hidden meaning behind his introduction to the word 'quixotic' - or was there?

He's Just Not That Into You

Only at the Movies!

Now showing!

http://www.facebook.com/roadshow-films-au

Hello Life of Blogger!

Wow I never realised so many people used blogger! Oh well, welcome to my life of blogger. (Xanga has almost completely lost appeal to me.. *snore*) Anyway, not that I will abandon my beloved xanga that has been with me for so, so long and has all these extremely crytic blogs on it. Not to mention recordings of very.. interesting things. LOL. Anyway. Yes, so hopefully I can successfully bring my blogger to public and actually let people look at it. Which totally contradicts my previous post. But nevermind that. For all you ppl who are far to pedantic - this will count as my first OFFICAL post as FIONA ZOEN YUE CHENG on BLOGGER =D

Alright - so what's up with me? Not much. I just realised that I could make life a lot easier by just inserting my SD card adapter into my comp and voila - 1GB worth of stuff from my phone uploaded as easy as.. as easy as it is to upload from SD cards? LOL. =]

Actually that might be the most bisexual thing I've ever done O.o

Who's hardcore? xP

Well yeah. Blogger =]