I'm not quite sure how to begin this blog. Nor how to begin to describe my feelings. It feels like life has been playing a huge joke on me, telling me everything I'd ever believed in was just a result of stupidity.

Everyone is so relieved that the haunting plague brought about by studies has been somewhat alleviated - but to me it brings at the same time a relief that it is actually over but also a kind of bruise to my self-worth.

Yes, it is just a number. Yes it is just a ranking that supposedly won't 'ever' be mentioned years down the track. But guess what? That's not really true. And as an overall event, the delivery of my results really impacted the way that I see myself. Gosh. It didn't matter so much before, but the more I think about it, the more distraught I am about these little numbers on my screen. No, I do not have any objections to the subjects that I knew I wasn't great at, but for those that I knew I was excelling in, why give me such a poor reward for my work?

If I take a moment to think about it, life is really quite down in the dumps. I'm exhausted. I'm working my butt off as much as I can - yet it does not always procure the results that I put in the effort for. Sleeping late and waking early - who knows how long I can keep this up for.

Yeah. The truth is I can't do anything to make things better. And everything keeps reminding me that I can't do anything to change what has happened and what is happening. Yeah - pretty damn useless huh?

What's probably ranked right up there amongst the most infuriating things that can happen is when I finally find a way around things, putting in my effort and dedication only to find that it is for naught. I feel like a fool.

I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting. But another nightmare of a day wasn't on my list. I don't want to face anything anymore. I want to run away, hide away by myself and turn my back on the world that has turned its back on me.

And of all the pain and avoidance that I tried to endure, it amounted not to much at all. Afterall, my company did not rate well against that of others, obviously much less worthy of time.

I'm sick of trying. Just let those tears slowly creep back into my life and consume my everything.