Who am I? I'm not so sure. Where can I find the real me now? It feels as though there is no sanctuary and no solace ahead of me. Perhaps what I need is just to be alone. At the same time I do not wish to be alone. I need a new world, a different world.

I keep telling myself that I mustn't do this, that I cannot do that, that I shouldn't feel this. I guess I'm losing track of what is right and what is wrong to feel.

-sigh- Back to watching TV, reading books and looking at others for my dose of bitter sweetness.

Life goes by, day by day. Though I try to make a difference, everything stays the same. Who knows when, somehow, I'll find a way to change things for certain. Perhaps that day will come when I have stretched myself too far. (see here for Point Of No Return)

The image is still there in my mind. The thoughts hovering everytime. How long until I succumb to them? How long until I fall?

Another day of work.

Was a bit apprehensive about the people rushing to and fro ignoring me completely. Nevertheless, things picked up after a while and then soon I was talking to heaps of people (some unnecessarily long conversations dragged on with regards to dogs, tai chi, random chinese pitching and stuff like that).

Finally picked up my two sales, the second one was a bit strange (who knows whether he even understood what on earth was going on lol). Didn't manage to get anyone else after that and was exhausted and suffering from sore feet.

Home to an enjoyable dinner free from the grease and salt of the outside world. Topped it up with a scoop of ice cream, cherries and banana. Nice. =]

TV was good until I succumbed to sleep - in the middle of the season finale of an exciting drama. Daym! Was out like a light and groggy as. Until I remembered other things which needed to be dealt with (like my contacts etc.).

Bit of sorting things out. The room remains rubbish-tip style and my bed is as comforting as ever (though in need of a change of sheets). Brush teeth, shower and all other necessities and finally a few moments with my love.

Stricken by my need and a constant battle between sleep and my conscious thoughts. Everything else seems trivial. And bringing moisture to the eyes is the deviation from my motivation and all reason for me to live as I live now. And so brings forth more thoughts and memories and painful things to be tolerated which cannot truly be tolerated. March on till release... or insanity.

How am I to end my draining day with but a few stolen minutes in hushed whispers and barely anything to satisfy my desperate longing? Despair.

I'm not quite sure how to begin this blog. Nor how to begin to describe my feelings. It feels like life has been playing a huge joke on me, telling me everything I'd ever believed in was just a result of stupidity.

Everyone is so relieved that the haunting plague brought about by studies has been somewhat alleviated - but to me it brings at the same time a relief that it is actually over but also a kind of bruise to my self-worth.

Yes, it is just a number. Yes it is just a ranking that supposedly won't 'ever' be mentioned years down the track. But guess what? That's not really true. And as an overall event, the delivery of my results really impacted the way that I see myself. Gosh. It didn't matter so much before, but the more I think about it, the more distraught I am about these little numbers on my screen. No, I do not have any objections to the subjects that I knew I wasn't great at, but for those that I knew I was excelling in, why give me such a poor reward for my work?

If I take a moment to think about it, life is really quite down in the dumps. I'm exhausted. I'm working my butt off as much as I can - yet it does not always procure the results that I put in the effort for. Sleeping late and waking early - who knows how long I can keep this up for.

Yeah. The truth is I can't do anything to make things better. And everything keeps reminding me that I can't do anything to change what has happened and what is happening. Yeah - pretty damn useless huh?

What's probably ranked right up there amongst the most infuriating things that can happen is when I finally find a way around things, putting in my effort and dedication only to find that it is for naught. I feel like a fool.

I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting. But another nightmare of a day wasn't on my list. I don't want to face anything anymore. I want to run away, hide away by myself and turn my back on the world that has turned its back on me.

And of all the pain and avoidance that I tried to endure, it amounted not to much at all. Afterall, my company did not rate well against that of others, obviously much less worthy of time.

I'm sick of trying. Just let those tears slowly creep back into my life and consume my everything.

I remind myself to be confident, to be happy, to know that there is a purpose to everything that I do. That's what keeps me going. But when my goals dissolve out of sight and I am clouded from my aspirations then everything becomes impossible.

I paint myself a perfect picture of everything that's going on and everything that I hope to go on in the future. Yet it becomes shattered oh so easily.

-sigh- Despairing is stupid. Yet trying to address the problems just exacerbate and worsen the feelings of despair.

What purpose is there to anything I do? I'm hopeless.

The Reason

Oh mann I'm alive and yet I am not alive. I'm doing things that I should be doing and somehow things are going to work out. But things won't work out unless I know why I'm doing them. Yup. You are the reasonnnnn *sings* - you are the reason I wake up everyday - sleeeeep through the night... (how romantic is Celine Dion?)

So obviously when something means THAT much to you, you can't quite feel the same without it. I miss you so bad. You're the puzzle piece that completes my life.

Intoxication.

Always the more practical way of dealing with dilemmas is to endeavour to find a solution and a way to resolve, redress or compensate for their events. Our experiences illuminate many things to us, both good and bad. For me personally, my problems have accentuated my great sense of love.

I'm not quite sure how to express what I feel. It is a sense of need and of affection. My greatest priorities have been highlighted to me and it is my obligation to pursue and to preserve them. Sometimes things can become difficult or painful, but that only makes the happy moments more wonderful and more beautiful.

Suddenly arrives the moment where my actions no longer matter to me and what matters is only to treasure and make the most out of each and every moment I may possess. Time is sweet and stolen time is only sweeter.

Forgive me for my passion. I'm intoxicated.