I had thought that this morbid mood of mine would soon past. But events just seem to render me more and more useless and as a result more and more unhappy. Is there a reason to be happy? Oh those lonely feelings haunt me continuously. I've lost the motivation to do anything. Chemistry SAC? What's the point anyway? I'm not good enough.
And thinking again. You're an awful person. What would you like me to do? Sit at home till I rot and mould? Honestly. Just because you're free of all these burdens, doesn't mean that you can sit there and judge and admonish and restrict. How would you like it if someone did that to you? And somehow I have to be nice too. You're just an awful person.
No one cares about me. What happened to those wonderful moments where people are supposed to say "I'll always support you no matter what," or "You can count on me,", or even just "You can tell me anything"? No. Unfortunately there is no one. We are just all so tangled up in our own lives anyway. Do I look sad? Well maybe that's because I am. And I just don't know how to make myself feel better. I shall drown in my own sadness.
Sometimes I really do want to just break away from everything so that I can immerse myself in my studies. But can that really work? Would I be so heart-wrenched with pain that I cannot think, cannot work, cannot process anything? What would it be like for me not to care about anything anymore? Why should I care when no one cares about me anyway?
Yeah. I know I'm being a brat. But I can't help it. If you're not going to put in some effort then stuff you. It's not THAT hard. I mean, I have stuff to do too. I have school work. I've always had school work. I've been tired just like you. I'm stressed. I have committments. So what? It never stopped me from interacting with you. Nor did I continuously complain of fatigue or of stress. So now here I am, stressed as hell. Because I know that I cannot do well. And I can't even ask you for help. Because you're just too busy for me.
So now here's my screwed up little world. It's screwed as hell. And although I love you and I miss you, sometimes I'd just rather not talk to you. Then maybe I'd miss you less. Yeah, ok. I'm taking this for granted. Ha. What are you gonna do? Get rid of me?
Ok. So I don't mean any of that. But venting this retarded crap out of my head makes me feel better. I really don't know why I feel this way. I feel as though I'm just on the edge. Always on the brink of tears. Good fortune smiles down upon me but now I refuse to acknowledge it. I will waste my time doing stupid things. Blah. What's the point of it all?
What is the point?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
What is the point?
Monday, March 30, 2009
S.T.R.E.S.S
Yeah it's just outright illogical. But even though I know it is, I can't help but act this way. I'm stressed. Is that an excuse? Coz I'm suddenly so tired of everything. I can't seem to handle anything at all. Stress - unpleasant psychological or physiological tension due to external or internal forces, which is perceived as exceeding one's ability to cope.
My favourite cognitive symptom of prolonged stress - catastrophising. Haha. So here I am. I'm going to catasphrophise my situation. I've totally given up trying to maintain an acceptable state in terms of tidiness of my room, my appearance and who knows what else. There's heaps of work and little time. I procrastinate when I believe that I have a few hours to do work. Then I get nothing done. I'm heartsick and lonely and no one cares about me. Heard enough?
Who cares anyway? No one even reads this piece of crap. That's why I write here, right? So I guess I should be allowed to say anything I want to say. Good. I hate this shit. I can't wait till school ends. I just feel so damn stuck. The same old stupid routine over and over. The same classes, the same people, the boring repetition of retarded facts and theories. Stuff that.
We're all just too god damn stressed out to do jack all. But the more stressed I get, the more I feel as though things are just stupid and I ought to just give up. Nice attitude huh? Well whatever. My life is just this stupid sine curve anyway. Up, down, up, down. I get down then I try to convince myself I'm up. Then I fall down again. Bullcrap. This is bullCRAP I say.
Bah. Why're you calling me anyway? I don't want to talk to you. I just want to fester in my own cloud of retardedly illogical and irrational thoughts. Talking to you will just make things worse. I'll be grumpy and spiteful and pick fights with you. Hang up damn it. Thank you.
Blah. What's the point of it all anyway?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Away time flies.
Bring colour to my life.
Here passes another day, another week, another month of my life. Time flies ever so quickly - it drains away era by era. As one of the more important years of my life, time will pass ever more quickly and I have to remind myself over and over to cherish what time I have. But there is so little time.
There is a constant battle for domination of thoughts in my mind. It frolicks from studies to stress, friendships to relationships, right to wrong and whether I am simply thinking too much. I admit it, I over-think. But that's ok. I guess it's just part of my identity.
Everytime I open blogger it brings a slight pang of pain. It reminds me something I wish could have been. Yet now I begin to question whether it was anything in the first place. I long to be there for somebody. To be a friend to whom others could divulge their fears, their hopes and their emotions. Somehow I just don't quite fit the criteria. But that's ok. I know that no one needs me. Can it be that I somehow need someone to need me?
I cannot think. It is once again too late in the night. All that I can do is sleep. Yet where did all my time go? It ran away, as per usual.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Meaning.
No matter how emotional or heartfelt the words, I refused to shed my tears. But it was when I read your old entry that I finally succombed to my sorrow. Because I know that somehow, this all means something. Maybe right now I am not rational enough to deduce what it could possibly mean nor the severity of it - but somehow it just means something.
We are urged to be positive in life. To look at the 'silver lining', to believe that where there's a will, there's a way. These are universal morals. Not just english or chinese or french or whatever. It's the same message being sent across over and over.
I thought I'd believed in these principles. That as long as you stayed optimistic, nothing was impossible. But sometimes it feels like life is impossible. What is there to believe in when that in which you have placed your faith is shattered over and over again? Is it truly a matter of triviality? I want to look at this from an objective and logical perspective and that is why my mind is now void. I just don't know. I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do.
But you know what? Regardless of anything and everything I won't give up. Because this is my life's meaning. My promise to both myself and to you. And whatever silly resolutions I give up over and over, this is one thing I'm going to do properly. And somehow.. things will work out.
Monday, March 9, 2009
There's always something..
Have you guys noticed that there is always something? There's always something that is in the way. Something that holds you back, or something that stops you from taking that one extra step. Sometimes it's time, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's someone - but everytime, there WILL always be something.
Guess that's just life huh?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Paralysis.
It was warm. I opened my eyes. Comforted by the embrace of my blanket. I could see my hands crossed, resting on my stomach. I lifted my arm slowly, fatigued. It felt as though it had been lifted.. yet the image of my hands crossed remained. I tried again. I pulled both of my hands away and lifted them yet all I could see was that one image, my fingers intertwined. I sensed my parents' presence in the room and I opened my mouth to call out. I called over and over again 'Mum.. Dad.. Dad.. Mum?' But to no avail. My voice was muted. No matter how hard I tried, I could muster no sound.
Again I tried to lift myself up. I could feel myself rising yet my body remained lying down. I stopped, scared that somehow I would leave my body behind entirely. I was trapped. Unable to speak, unable to rise. It began to feel increasingly hot to the point of discomfort, and there I was - paralysed.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Another day of my favourite life.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
He's Just Not That Into You.
"I found a new word," he said, "quixotic."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"Ideal, but unrealistic."
From his reticent tones, I knew that he would tell no more. Standing there, only the length of a ruler away, I felt as though there was an entire world between us. I was left to decipher the meaning behind his words as he fell back into a taciturn state, staring apathetically ahead. I could hear every beat of my heart as I struggled to understand. I sneaked a look at him, hoping to gain some form of clue from his enigmatic pose. Quixotic. Could it be that he believed all that was between us was quixotic? That the notion of being together was in reality nothing but idealistic?
When I could take no more, I turned away carefully placing one foot in front of the other and forbidding myself to look back. My neck tingled and I wondered whether he had his soft gaze on me. Perhaps that too, was too quixotic a thought.
Later that night I was at a complete standstill. There was nothing I could do because there was only one thing on my mind. Only one person. This one thought flushed out everything that could have possibly been on my mind (the upcoming math test for example). My fingers inched toward my mobile when suddenly it lit up. It was him.
When I opened my eyes the sun was pouring through my window. Had everything been a dream? I couldn't quite remember what had happened. I rolled over and retrieved my phone from the floor. 10 new messages! I rapidly scrolled through them, checking for the identity of the senders. To my delight, one of the first ones had his lovely name attached to it. Smiling in anticipation, I opened the file:
Whoever said girls were complicated was totally deluded. This guy is harder to understand than advanced calculus. At least I can safely deduce that there was no hidden meaning behind his introduction to the word 'quixotic' - or was there?
Monday, March 2, 2009
Hello Life of Blogger!
Actually that might be the most bisexual thing I've ever done O.o
Who's hardcore? xP
Well yeah. Blogger =]
