My life is just one big game of pretend.

Everyday I pretend that the most important thing in my life doesn't really exist.
Everyday I pretend that somehow everything is going to work out in the future.
I pretend there is no conflict.
I pretend that I'm going to succeed in my career.
I pretend that I'm going to live a comfortable life.
I pretend that I'm working hard.
I pretend that my parents will accept everything as I've planned it.
I pretend that people are better than they really are.
I pretend that things will all work out if we just will them to.

I pretend I pretend I pretend.

I pretend I don't cry.

And amidst all this pretense, I can't really tell anymore which is the truth and which is fake.

Who the hell am I anyway?

How am I supposed to be able to be who I want to be?

Am I to continue to pretend that things will work out just fine?
Am I to continue to believe that there are not a billion obstacles that stand in front of me?
Am I to continue to pretend I can transcend any of them?

I hate everything.
And I fail to pretend.
I don't want to pretend anymore.

Screw everything.
I'll pretend I want to be alone.
And I'll pretend I want company.
I'll pretend I want someone to understand.
And I'll pretend that someone does.

I had my uni french exam today!
It had that feeling which I assume is my brain saying 'you ain't going nowhere now'.
So less stress. More dealing with the situation that I am facing.
Good old exam reaction when I am to a certain extent, prepared.

Final exam on weds.
French.
Then work.
Then home.
Then exhaustion, sleep and looking for more work?
Lol.

What if it all doesn't work out?
Then I'm screwed.
There are so many things that could potentially (and have a high potential) to go wrong.
Bleh!
I'm trying my best. I really am.

And amongst all these things.
I try my best to avoid everything that is unpleasant.
Keep a peaceful mind.
Remind myself over and over.
Pushing away what I don't want to deal with.

And the strangest thing is.
When I push one thought out of my head.
Another one pops up.
It's a never-ending flow of thoughts!
Why can't suppression work for me?
Stupid Freud =]

I can't believe it.
I miss psych already.
Haha.
I don't understand how life works. =/
Have I made the right choices?

Am I hiding away from everything that is wrong?
Is it going to come back and terrorise me?
I don't want to face it.

Was just watching another old HK drama on TVB and it was one of those comical ones about the time just before the law was set that men could only wed ONE wife.

So anyway, it just made me think about this whole sort of thing. (God it's an informal expository essay, I even have the anecdote >.<) Bah, I can't describe how I feel. I am, in fact, confronted with the brutal reality of things. Men are just not very monogamous.

Bleh. As I have always said, all girls, in some form or manner, overtly or secretly, are jealous.

What am I even saying?

Hahaha, anyway, I have tuition soon, then I'm going to dye my hair. Yay.

I'm bored of this blog.

Get out of my head you silly thought.

On the other hand, it is interesting to note that people will always be willing to believe a false version of things if it gives them an alternative to something they do not wish to confront. I do it all the time. In censoring the truth from others, am I prohibiting myself to view things with clarity?

Gosh I just don't even know what's going on =/

I suppose what I've come to is a bland acceptance of things, however they may be. It's not intolerable, but it's not that much greater than bleak.

Maybe things will get better in the future. =]

Surprises are so sweet. =]
And as I said to mum, what girl doesn't like a surprise (except my mum herself). Haha!

My sister is engaaaaaged.

Hehe, I'll keep dreaming.
I'm smittened just seeing other people's romances.

*keeps dreaming*

Solace.

As humans, we are often far too biased to keep our opinions from clouding our judgement. We attach emotions and expectations to everything of significance that we encounter and thus cannot establish a truely objective reality.

This applies to things as simple as going to a restaurant. The first time you go, you relish the feeling of freshness and the unexplored. You then return again and again, seeking those positive feelings that your experience once elicited. But as you go back again and again, you find that you can no longer find what you were expecting because it is 'no longer as good as it once was'. Is that true? Is it the restaurant that's changed, or is it you?

Anyhow, I must remind myself over and over, that the past was not perfect, the present isn't perfect nor will the future be perfect. You just have to deal with it. Stop clouding your mind with exaggerated emotions of happiness, or sadness or anything of the sort. If things change, it's because people change, because people adapt.

Ultimately, life is full of ups and downs, and it all just comes down to how we look at it. We'll always reminisce of a time where things were wonderful - just to offer ourselves a moment of solace. Here lies my solace.

Never had I found

That reality could surpass fantasy

That what could be imagined

Would be exceeded by reality

Bursts of passion and romance

Sweetness to the eyes, the lips, the mind

The halcyon passing of time

Bringing to me all that is life.

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

That's a principle I learned many, many years ago. Originally its meaning intended to discourage kids from bullying one another and to encourage them to treat each other nicely.

Ultimately, my favourite kind of love is still 'sweet love', the love that is raw and fresh! The love that is new and unexplored. That's adapting, that's anticipating, that's sweet and romantic!

Dou hai gong fan gor goe. Tum har ngor la, hol ma?

I'll wait.

And yet I cannot escape the mist of doubt, of fear and of sadness.
I am afraid.
I am so afraid.

And my birthday began and ended as one. Shrouded in uncertain tears.

And life goes on.