When you're young, everything seems ok. What's good is great and what's not so good? It usually just goes away in a couple of days. I used to think that whenever my mum got angry, she'd just get over it overnight. I later found out that was because my sister would spend all night pleading and placating her anger. So the miracle wasn't the passing of another night, but actually my sister.
Usually, by the next time sometime happened again, I'd already forgotten the last. But things aren't like that anymore. Every time something happens, it just makes me feel worse and worse. I guess I'm older and ok with remembering all the bad things that happen nowadays. There are just so many of them.
Despite the fact that these events have occurred within my family and troubled me consistently throughout my childhood, I have found something that can hurt me even more. Not only do I remember the events that occur, I remember accurately how I feel each time the emotions hit me and why things happened and how things 'worked out'. I guess worst of all is that most times things don't 'work out', it just feels like they've been 'smoothed over' and although the feeling ceases to torment me constantly, the issue remains in my mind.
There are times where I come to think - Have I become a sad person who lives flashes of happiness here and there, rather than a happy person who occasionally experiences some sadness? I guess there are things in my mind that keep haunting me. That cannot be resolved. Why? Because once I bring them up, things will probably get worse. Because I've already tried that. Result? Smoothing over. And the sadness is accentuated.
Another thing that will not cease to inflict me with both sadness and stress is what I know is going to happen. In the past I tried to fight it. Now I have given up. All I can do is pretend it's not going to happen and then when it hits me in the face, keep pretending or shrug it off.
I know I can be really selfish. But is it not in human nature to pursue that which we desire? But when it all comes down, I am to lose what I not only desire, but need. And the situation is all the more devastating when I realise that I am the only one who wants things to be as I wish them to be. And I am foolishly trying to make things be what they cannot be. But the situation seems just so inevitable. Why can't anyone offer me comfort? Why can't things change? Why do I have to be forced to do something which requires me to sacrifice what I need the most? I don't mean to be selfish, but this is one too big a compromise. And the closer it looms, the more stressed and morose I become.
I cannot hear the words I so wish to hear.
I cannot do the things I so wish to do.
I cannot say the things I so need to say.
I cannot live the way I so need to live.
And all my sadness leaves its scars on my mind and my existence. Never to be rectified.
Who is to come to the rescue this time? Or am I to be berated for wishing that someone will come and save me? Can I not just exist as the damsel in distress?
