Scars.

When you're young, everything seems ok. What's good is great and what's not so good? It usually just goes away in a couple of days. I used to think that whenever my mum got angry, she'd just get over it overnight. I later found out that was because my sister would spend all night pleading and placating her anger. So the miracle wasn't the passing of another night, but actually my sister.

Usually, by the next time sometime happened again, I'd already forgotten the last. But things aren't like that anymore. Every time something happens, it just makes me feel worse and worse. I guess I'm older and ok with remembering all the bad things that happen nowadays. There are just so many of them.

Despite the fact that these events have occurred within my family and troubled me consistently throughout my childhood, I have found something that can hurt me even more. Not only do I remember the events that occur, I remember accurately how I feel each time the emotions hit me and why things happened and how things 'worked out'. I guess worst of all is that most times things don't 'work out', it just feels like they've been 'smoothed over' and although the feeling ceases to torment me constantly, the issue remains in my mind.

There are times where I come to think - Have I become a sad person who lives flashes of happiness here and there, rather than a happy person who occasionally experiences some sadness? I guess there are things in my mind that keep haunting me. That cannot be resolved. Why? Because once I bring them up, things will probably get worse. Because I've already tried that. Result? Smoothing over. And the sadness is accentuated.

Another thing that will not cease to inflict me with both sadness and stress is what I know is going to happen. In the past I tried to fight it. Now I have given up. All I can do is pretend it's not going to happen and then when it hits me in the face, keep pretending or shrug it off.

I know I can be really selfish. But is it not in human nature to pursue that which we desire? But when it all comes down, I am to lose what I not only desire, but need. And the situation is all the more devastating when I realise that I am the only one who wants things to be as I wish them to be. And I am foolishly trying to make things be what they cannot be. But the situation seems just so inevitable. Why can't anyone offer me comfort? Why can't things change? Why do I have to be forced to do something which requires me to sacrifice what I need the most? I don't mean to be selfish, but this is one too big a compromise. And the closer it looms, the more stressed and morose I become.

I cannot hear the words I so wish to hear.

I cannot do the things I so wish to do.

I cannot say the things I so need to say.

I cannot live the way I so need to live.

And all my sadness leaves its scars on my mind and my existence. Never to be rectified.

Who is to come to the rescue this time? Or am I to be berated for wishing that someone will come and save me? Can I not just exist as the damsel in distress?

Clueless[?]

Oh boy am I SO clueless. I guess I'm clueless about everything in my life. I kind of float from one place to another trying to hit all the right spots that need to be hit but mostly I'm just drifting.

But I guess sometimes I wish I didn't need to be clueless. But then again, there are those times where you're too afraid to clarify something that you'd rather stay clueless, which nevertheless takes its toll.

Stress levels on the rise for all population.

I thought I heard you say something,

but was I just dreaming?

Things might work out better than I expected them too. Of course, there was that terrible period of time when I thought the world was going to crash. Things are better... so far. Certainly the finances aren't so great at the moment. I'm considering writing off my own debt. Which is ridiculous because then I won't be able to achieve my goal T__T

Oh dear. I don't know why I miss you so damn much. It's like that song 'I can't stop missing you...' kinda thing. But who would understand? It doesn't really make sense does it? Though it somehow makes sense to me. Gosh. I don't want you to think I'm pathetic but I'm just so in love with you.

Maybe somehow everything will work out. Compromise?

Untitled Me.

While strategically selecting the font colour for the next update of my long forsaken blog, I hovered over my beloved grey - the blanket representation of sadness or of sorrow. I guess I'm not trying to portray such feelings. Yet all the bright, beautiful colours such as my conventional orange, my feminine pink, my serene blue and even my 'green-eyed monster' green seemed inappropriate. In the end my choice was this darker shade - more green than blue, not bright nor dark, not sad nor happy.

But what is the emotion that envelopes my world at this point in time? Or to be more artistic, which of the cornucopia of colours tinges my personal reality? What thoughts do I want to share with the world (or to be more accurate, any readers of my isolated blog)?

On my list of things to do has always been 'to improve', its position not always at the top of the hierarchy but always surfacing every now and then when my life begins to fall out of order. It had resurfaced recently in light of everything that was happening and I suppose now, more than ever, it will play a dominant role in my life.

This is a transition period. A period between periods. Settling into uni, finding my own feet amidst the plethora of things that need to be done and achieved - moving out. But let us not discuss such subjects. For now, only a general overview of things, so as to avoid treading on mentally forbidden grounds. Where lies the boundary between forbidden and acceptable? Transition within my mind - the quest to rebuild and reorder my thoughts, feelings and values and ultimately, the quest to find what it is that I can live with, and what it is I cannot without.

Triviality =]

I suddenly had the urge to write about some more random aspects of my life. =]

Have been spending my days:

Training for CBA Collections!

And now cbb writing anymore. =]

Growing up/old?

Once upon a time...

...and they lived happily ever after.

If I had to name one of the more significant aspects of my childhood, it would have to be the stories and the fairytales. Being asian, I also got the best of both worlds - thriving on the traditional Disney classic tales and also the beautiful works of those like Hayao Miyazaki. Who can deny the beauty of the morals and principles portrayed through his works? Such hope, faith and happiness!

Naturally, such themes had an impact on my development and somehow I came to be one of those people who always 'believe'. "Where there's a will there's a way" kind of thing. Watching more movies and dramas, I came to believe more and more that things can always work out eventually. Most of all, I believed somehow that love conquers all, that love is the ultimate, that nothing can surpass love.

But as per usual, life always beats you back somehow. Fortunately I now look at this in evaluation, rather than in cynicism or sadness. But most of all, I wonder - are these things true? Everyone leads their own lives - only time will show me how mine works out.

"Your law of averages is probably coming back to haunt you!"
Haha. I guess it works both ways then. I had days where I'd done 2 sales in days I'd barely pitched at all. Today it was around 30 pitches, but no sales =[

Ultimately, life is just a vicious cycle of things. Things always go déja vu - again and again. I get a big fat ZERO, then I try harder - be more determined - and I do well for a while.. then it happens again.

Hah. It's just the same with everything else. The only difference is that no matter what mood you are in, you'll earn the same when paid for the hour. When you're on commission.. everything depends on your mood. You know you're screwed when you're stuffed up - then you might as well just leave.

I guess I was just stupid believing that things could change.

The first NYE that I was able to spend the night with him. <3