Twilight.

Finally saw HP6 yesterday! Weeee. It was good. I liked it. Not judging it on the basis of the book, it was an enjoyable movie. Lavender was soooo annoying I wanted to hit her >.<"

Ran out of things to read so I decided that I'd brave New Moon again the other day. Failure. I read maybe 2 pages and then I chickened out. I don't have the bravery to read that book again. Sounds stupid I know, but that book is a nightmare for me.

So anyway. I was checking out New Moon online and checked out one of the trailers for the movie. 1:37 seconds worth of trailer. 1:37 seconds worth of teariness. Bleh! Honestly I'd be a laughing stock watching that movie. I'd probably cry all the way through. Just like in the book... >.<" Not funny.

Anyhoo, I still love Twilight (secretly) anyway. =]

These are a few of my favourite things...

Done sth wrong again. Urgh. This is so stupid.

Ok. So, a better way to write a blog. I'm going to talk about all the things that I'd really like. *save save save save save* Right, keep yours eyes on the prize O.o

1. To move out to an apartment with Lo+k7riz (THE goal)

2. Samsung F480 in PINK =D

3. Optical drive for my netbook <3

4. A shmexy camera

5. 2nd piercings on my ears

6. Shmexy bedspread

7. Relief from certain things

8. Sucess in many things

Wish me luck =]

A not so long day.

The day wasn't too long today. Even though I had a 3 hr eng pratise exam. Haha. By the 3rd essay, you just crumble into a squishy pool of brain juice and lack of creativity. Yup. Well I survived it. Had an absolutely awful moment when I was desperately trying to remember a word. I remembered it after I finished my essay. So I went back. I was sooo happy. After all, in my process of conjuring up that word, I swear I must've looked a bit constipated. >.<" Word constipation.

So today was a good day. Yup. I feel better about myself somehow. Not sure that anything has changed but still, I feel better. In a way. Haha. I like eng. I enjoy it. I just gotta study harder for it! I remember the good old days when it used to be one of my fav subs. xP

How nice it is to blog about something trivial.

On the other hand, I FINALLY got my Valentine's present home. O.M.G it has been like.. 5 months. My poor locker was vair full. xP

I envy. Envy those who are with their friends laughing happily. Belonging. Oh how I wish I could belong. Yet I do not. Wish I could find people with which I can talk about more than superficial things. People who care about me that would understand. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me whenever conflict rears its ugly head. I am a pariah.

Someone once said to me 'Why try to fit in when you are born to stand out?', I remember as I read those words tears had been slowly sliding down my cheeks. But it extends beyond belonging in the sense of being uniform with other people. I mean belonging in the sense that people want me there. People I can confide in and in turn would confide in me. Yet that just doesn't exist. I am isolated.

My brain is simmering with a thousand contradictory thoughts. I cannot live this way. On one side of the scale, I desire, I want, I need. On the other, I am repulsed by my dependance. What a raging, fiery war these thoughts rage in my mind. Yet no one who could understand. I am alone.

I'm sick of needing. I need to be needed.
But who needs me?
I am nobody.

It was at first a senseless dream, really.. Then all of a sudden, it became an agonising nightmare. One that felt like I was grating off my own finger or peeling off my own skin. It was the worst nightmare I'd ever had.

What was so awful about it? I think it managed to touch on every single one of my insecurities and remind me how things are/could be. There was no one who could help me. No one who could understand. No one who could offer me the slightest bit of comfort.

Which is as it would be in such a situation. I'd drown in my own sorrow. Jump off a building. Stick a knife in my chest. Run onto a freeway. Lie in the train tracks. Anything to end my agony.

Then my eyes open. It is bright. Yet I realise that I have woken from one nightmare into another. There is no escaping. More bad news. Then no news at all. I don't know what's worse. Too wary to get out of bed. Too traumatised to fall back asleep.

I said I wouldn't cry anymore.

Coherency.

Why is it so hard?
Was it so much for me to ask for?
If it's such a chore, then let's just never do it again.

It's all good and well for you.
It's not like you ever have any difficulty.

But this is all I get.

Deny me of it then.

Would it work out if I denied you too?
Make you understand?

Would you even understand?

I guess you just don't understand what it is to me.
But as I said. It's all I get.

Am I so selfish to want it?

I don't want your charity.
Just tell me once and for all that you don't want it.
And it'll be over and done with.

And I'll find my own way.

In the meantime..
Excuse the appropriate pun that I would have otherwise written.

Frugality Regime Day 2.

Day 2.

Technical Grade: Pass!

Self Grade: Pass!

Recordings:

From own pocket: 60 cents

Food: Sushi roll, miso soup and maccas cone (total ~ $5)

Other spendings: $9.90

Comments:

Not bad. Spent much less than yesterday. On food also due to not having bought any exquisite drinks! Other spendings were dispensed to prevent further regret on item which was much lusted after for an extended period of time. =]