Contradictions.

Sometimes we ourselves do not understand what we are thinking. Yet sometimes we get trapped in a train of thought so obsessively that we can think of little else. Sometimes I wish the world was simpler, yet at the same time I try to appreciate its complexity. So which is true? A world at equilibrium - full of love and hate, light and dark, right and wrong etc.? Or are all these things simply ideas conjured by mankind? Does 'right' or 'wrong' exist only in our world? What is morality to any other inhabitant of this earth? What is morality but something that makes us feel better about ourselves as people?

On a more trivial note. Too bad it doesn't seem like we're juggling time very well. I want to see you.. yet sometimes I don't. Not at the price of your mental state =/ I want to talk to you. Yet it is not an utterly exhausted person that I wish to talk to. There is no point that way. Do you understand? =/ Am I asking for too much? If I am.. then I'd rather ask for nothing at all. But a life devoid of you is a life devoid of living. And what is a life not lived? I'd be nowhere without you.

Love.

What is it that constitutes a true love story?

Is it tragedy?

Obstacles?

Passion?

Endurance?

Or any other matter that defines it specifically?

Having just seeked out yet another renowned love story in history, I was shocked to find that there was controversy over whether the story could actually be deemed a 'love' story. Truly, it is awful that someone could critique someone else's life story in such a way. But yet again, it pulls me back to the grand question: What is love?

The story of Abelard et Heloise:

In a letter to Abelard, Heloise wrote: "You know, beloved, as the whole world knows, how much I have lost in you, how at one wretched stroke of fortune that supreme act of flagrant treachery robbed me of my very self in robbing me of you; and how my sorrow for my loss is nothing compared with what I feel for the manner in which I lost you."

This story is one of two passionate lovers joined by their passion for knowledge and letters. Separated by over 20 years in age, they were forced to part by Fulbert, Heloise's uncle. This however, did not end their affair. When they found that Heloise had fallen pregnant to Abelard's child, they stayed at his sister's until they had given birth to her child.

It is said that Abelard then pleaded for Fulbert's forgiveness and his permission for their marriage. After a secret marriage, Heloise went to stay with nuns, the cause of which her uncle misinterpreted as having been cast off by Abelard. Seeking vengeance, Fulbert and his kinsmen sneaked into Abelard's lodgings and had him castrated.

Violently incensed, they laid a plot against me, and one night while I all unsuspecting was asleep in a secret room in my lodgings, they broke in with the help of one of my servants whom they had bribed. There they had vengeance on me with a most cruel and most shameful punishment, such as astounded the whole world; for they cut off those parts of my body with which I had done that which was the cause of their sorrow.

Abelard and Heloise continued living, both devoting themselves to the Church and communicating only via letters, now famous for their passion and heartwrenching words.

Heloise asks for his words, saying: "While I am denied your presence, give me at least through your words--of which you have enough and to spare--some sweet sem­blance of yourself." She ends the letter with: "I beg you, think what you owe me, give ear to my pleas, and I will finish a long letter with a brief ending: farewell, my only love."

To her passionate letters, he responds in part: "If since our conversion from the world to God I have not yet written you any word of comfort or advice, it must not be attributed to indifference on my part but to your own good sense... I did not think you would need these things..."

Is love truly something to be rejoiced? Or is it simply a cause for sadness, sorrow and tragedy...?

"When my self is not with you,

it is nowhere."

Héloise. (c. 1098-1164)

"Tis very much like light,

a thing that everybody knows yet none can tell what ot make of it:

'Tis not money, fortune, joynture, raving, stabbing, hanging,

romancing, flouncing, swearing, ramping,

desiring, fighting, dying,

though all those

have been, are, and still will be

mistaken and miscalled for it."

Holidays

Well this is it! We are well on our way through the holidays (already?!) - unfortunately. But at least the past few days have been eventful! =] Indeed. (That's becoming a pet word) So.. what have I done these holidays?

• School (chem)
• Uni (french)
• Study (or pretend to study)
• City (too much)
• k7riz
• Sleepover @ my sister's (who is conveniently just.. down the stairs LOL)

Some cool pics:

Just hope~!

As per usual, looking at other people's albums and blogs gives me an urge to get out and do something fun. Too bad it just doesn't work like that. There's heaps to do. Wish there could be more freedom to spend time with the people that I'd like to spend time with. Makes me think really.. to be able to live with someone you chose to live with.. it's such a special thing.

I would really like to party and laugh and have fun with friends. Hopefully I can do that sometime soon. I'm bored and lazy right now. I haven't done any hwk much but I've been doing work everyday nonetheless. So it hasn't really been a proper holiday for me. I've had extra-curricular activies everyday. Bleh! So tomorrow and Sunday are my first OFFICIAL days of the holiday.. except they're the weekend so they don't count. Haha. What holiday?

Anyway, so now I'm putting a lot of hope into k7riz fulfilling his dream of moving out.. and taking me with him someday. <3>

-sigh- I really, really, really love you.

I've got to stop crying damnit. Yet here I am thinking foolishly about those times where you used to say to me "Someone asked me to go to Eureka but I said no because it's something that I wanted to do with you" or "Someone asked me to go to dinner but I haven't done that with you before so I'm not going". Ha. It was so sweet. Yet now I've sort of become accustomed to it. And it hurts to be stuck at home, lonely, while you have so much fun with all your other friends. It just keeps reminding me of how caged I am. And it hurts so bad.

And the more I hurt, the further you are pushed away from me. I can't keep dwelling on this stupid hope that things will be different in the future. What proof is there that things will be different in the future? I feel so isolated from you. Now I'm not even worth the trouble for you to see me. I guess I'm just not good enough.

Why must you leave me stranded in tears?
Do you even care about me anymore?

Freedom.

Today was the second time in three days that I couldn't help crying on the train. -sigh- Am I so emotionally unstable? I don't want to be a burden for you. Yet I can't help but feel so sad lately. I guess I am stressed out, yes, unable to cope. I wish I had freedom.

Freedom of speech, of desires and from restraints and oppression.
Am I asking for so much?

What is the point?

I had thought that this morbid mood of mine would soon past. But events just seem to render me more and more useless and as a result more and more unhappy. Is there a reason to be happy? Oh those lonely feelings haunt me continuously. I've lost the motivation to do anything. Chemistry SAC? What's the point anyway? I'm not good enough.

And thinking again. You're an awful person. What would you like me to do? Sit at home till I rot and mould? Honestly. Just because you're free of all these burdens, doesn't mean that you can sit there and judge and admonish and restrict. How would you like it if someone did that to you? And somehow I have to be nice too. You're just an awful person.

No one cares about me. What happened to those wonderful moments where people are supposed to say "I'll always support you no matter what," or "You can count on me,", or even just "You can tell me anything"? No. Unfortunately there is no one. We are just all so tangled up in our own lives anyway. Do I look sad? Well maybe that's because I am. And I just don't know how to make myself feel better. I shall drown in my own sadness.

Sometimes I really do want to just break away from everything so that I can immerse myself in my studies. But can that really work? Would I be so heart-wrenched with pain that I cannot think, cannot work, cannot process anything? What would it be like for me not to care about anything anymore? Why should I care when no one cares about me anyway?

Yeah. I know I'm being a brat. But I can't help it. If you're not going to put in some effort then stuff you. It's not THAT hard. I mean, I have stuff to do too. I have school work. I've always had school work. I've been tired just like you. I'm stressed. I have committments. So what? It never stopped me from interacting with you. Nor did I continuously complain of fatigue or of stress. So now here I am, stressed as hell. Because I know that I cannot do well. And I can't even ask you for help. Because you're just too busy for me.

So now here's my screwed up little world. It's screwed as hell. And although I love you and I miss you, sometimes I'd just rather not talk to you. Then maybe I'd miss you less. Yeah, ok. I'm taking this for granted. Ha. What are you gonna do? Get rid of me?

Ok. So I don't mean any of that. But venting this retarded crap out of my head makes me feel better. I really don't know why I feel this way. I feel as though I'm just on the edge. Always on the brink of tears. Good fortune smiles down upon me but now I refuse to acknowledge it. I will waste my time doing stupid things. Blah. What's the point of it all?

What is the point?