I remind myself to be confident, to be happy, to know that there is a purpose to everything that I do. That's what keeps me going. But when my goals dissolve out of sight and I am clouded from my aspirations then everything becomes impossible.

I paint myself a perfect picture of everything that's going on and everything that I hope to go on in the future. Yet it becomes shattered oh so easily.

-sigh- Despairing is stupid. Yet trying to address the problems just exacerbate and worsen the feelings of despair.

What purpose is there to anything I do? I'm hopeless.

The Reason

Oh mann I'm alive and yet I am not alive. I'm doing things that I should be doing and somehow things are going to work out. But things won't work out unless I know why I'm doing them. Yup. You are the reasonnnnn *sings* - you are the reason I wake up everyday - sleeeeep through the night... (how romantic is Celine Dion?)

So obviously when something means THAT much to you, you can't quite feel the same without it. I miss you so bad. You're the puzzle piece that completes my life.

Intoxication.

Always the more practical way of dealing with dilemmas is to endeavour to find a solution and a way to resolve, redress or compensate for their events. Our experiences illuminate many things to us, both good and bad. For me personally, my problems have accentuated my great sense of love.

I'm not quite sure how to express what I feel. It is a sense of need and of affection. My greatest priorities have been highlighted to me and it is my obligation to pursue and to preserve them. Sometimes things can become difficult or painful, but that only makes the happy moments more wonderful and more beautiful.

Suddenly arrives the moment where my actions no longer matter to me and what matters is only to treasure and make the most out of each and every moment I may possess. Time is sweet and stolen time is only sweeter.

Forgive me for my passion. I'm intoxicated.

My life is just one big game of pretend.

Everyday I pretend that the most important thing in my life doesn't really exist.
Everyday I pretend that somehow everything is going to work out in the future.
I pretend there is no conflict.
I pretend that I'm going to succeed in my career.
I pretend that I'm going to live a comfortable life.
I pretend that I'm working hard.
I pretend that my parents will accept everything as I've planned it.
I pretend that people are better than they really are.
I pretend that things will all work out if we just will them to.

I pretend I pretend I pretend.

I pretend I don't cry.

And amidst all this pretense, I can't really tell anymore which is the truth and which is fake.

Who the hell am I anyway?

How am I supposed to be able to be who I want to be?

Am I to continue to pretend that things will work out just fine?
Am I to continue to believe that there are not a billion obstacles that stand in front of me?
Am I to continue to pretend I can transcend any of them?

I hate everything.
And I fail to pretend.
I don't want to pretend anymore.

Screw everything.
I'll pretend I want to be alone.
And I'll pretend I want company.
I'll pretend I want someone to understand.
And I'll pretend that someone does.

I had my uni french exam today!
It had that feeling which I assume is my brain saying 'you ain't going nowhere now'.
So less stress. More dealing with the situation that I am facing.
Good old exam reaction when I am to a certain extent, prepared.

Final exam on weds.
French.
Then work.
Then home.
Then exhaustion, sleep and looking for more work?
Lol.

What if it all doesn't work out?
Then I'm screwed.
There are so many things that could potentially (and have a high potential) to go wrong.
Bleh!
I'm trying my best. I really am.

And amongst all these things.
I try my best to avoid everything that is unpleasant.
Keep a peaceful mind.
Remind myself over and over.
Pushing away what I don't want to deal with.

And the strangest thing is.
When I push one thought out of my head.
Another one pops up.
It's a never-ending flow of thoughts!
Why can't suppression work for me?
Stupid Freud =]

I can't believe it.
I miss psych already.
Haha.
I don't understand how life works. =/
Have I made the right choices?

Am I hiding away from everything that is wrong?
Is it going to come back and terrorise me?
I don't want to face it.

Was just watching another old HK drama on TVB and it was one of those comical ones about the time just before the law was set that men could only wed ONE wife.

So anyway, it just made me think about this whole sort of thing. (God it's an informal expository essay, I even have the anecdote >.<) Bah, I can't describe how I feel. I am, in fact, confronted with the brutal reality of things. Men are just not very monogamous.

Bleh. As I have always said, all girls, in some form or manner, overtly or secretly, are jealous.

What am I even saying?

Hahaha, anyway, I have tuition soon, then I'm going to dye my hair. Yay.

I'm bored of this blog.

Get out of my head you silly thought.

On the other hand, it is interesting to note that people will always be willing to believe a false version of things if it gives them an alternative to something they do not wish to confront. I do it all the time. In censoring the truth from others, am I prohibiting myself to view things with clarity?

Gosh I just don't even know what's going on =/

I suppose what I've come to is a bland acceptance of things, however they may be. It's not intolerable, but it's not that much greater than bleak.

Maybe things will get better in the future. =]

Surprises are so sweet. =]
And as I said to mum, what girl doesn't like a surprise (except my mum herself). Haha!

My sister is engaaaaaged.

Hehe, I'll keep dreaming.
I'm smittened just seeing other people's romances.

*keeps dreaming*