The memories of our experiences and personal events are categorised as 'episodic memories'. But they're not just memories of events. These memories carry also with them all the feelings and emotions that we felt as they occurred.

Here is my question: Why is it that we remember the negative feelings so strongly that they overshadow all our happy feelings?

I really hate myself right now. And yet I still wallow in my own self pity. I'm a nutcase. And there's no one here to comfort me. Oh god there is no one ever to comfort me.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.
Why can't I fix things?
Why can't everything be good?

I hate myself.

And I never knew how much it would hurt to have you treat me as a stranger.

It is not strange that we are born the way that we are. Can we not learn to appreciate what we have been dealt instead of always restricting ourselves and blaming ourselves for being what we are?

Having just read someone's blog, I begin to speculate again about all the things that dictate our behaviour. There are so many things that are 'wrong', that are 'sins', that are frowned upon. Yet are these things not simply a part of human nature? Are we not the way that we have been made? Are we not, in actual fact, critisising His creation by acting out against our nature?

Excuse me, I simply felt like exploring that idea for a moment.

On a new strand of thought, this person expressed her admiration for several couples for having endured for such a long period of time. This blog wasn't written so long ago. Yet 2 out of the 4 couples first listed have already split up. And I know for a fact that the other two are not perfect either.

Why do we always strive for perfection? What is perfection? What is whole and immaculate? If it is how we are, how nature intended us to be, is that not perfect already?

It's funny how you have a big crowd of people, all smiling and chatting. But underneath the façade, everyone is just as sad and lonely and everyone has their own problems. Everyone. Funny.

Having just taken such a strike against all the things that try to aim for perfection.. I will hypocritically wish that things were 'perfect', and if not 'perfect', at least free from whatever it is that ails us.

And then an honest word:

I would sacrifice anything to continue being with you for always. As long as you continue to love me and want me. Nothing matters so much as being with you.

I'm sick of crying.
And I really am so lonely.
But who is here to comfort me?

Well, now that I'm semi over fussing over non-existent issues and bullshit and whatever else my mind has all too willingly conjured up to torture me. I'm going to zoom back into the petty world and say that although at the time I was too troubled by my thoughts too care.. come to think of it.. that was pretty bad.

Urgh.

Now I'm gonna fuss over this.

And it's stupid.

And I don't want to bother with this.

Yet it's gonna stick.

Why did you have to do it?

SO WHAT if ________________________.

Big effing deal.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Besides that.. I just dunno.

I CAN'T THINK.

I can't study. T__T

I need to study.

I dunno what to do.

I like my original plan.

But I don't have the strength/courage to do it.

I hate myself.

More greyness.

I just want to feel loved.
I don't want to feel lonely.

My wants contradict each other.
I cannot have what I want the most.

It is but a river of tears

The redness of the eyes

The icy grip on the heart

It is but a gasp of breath

The tormenting thoughts

The fear, the pain, the insecurity

It is but conflict

The clash between two souls

The laceration of the relationship

The crushing of the heart

Examiners don't dig poems during the english exam. But anyway, today was ok as far as days go. Ups and downs. This morning when I woke up I couldn't open my eyes and I spent 2 hrs squinting at everything in the house. Luckily that went away as the day proceeded.

French SAC was ok. Worked way too slowly for my liking. I think my french has deteriorated lately. How disappointing. Then we had assembly (more lecturing on behalf of the coordinators), english (boredom galore), lunch (pleasantly entertaining) and chem (a useLESS lesson).

So let's talk about the nice parts of my day.
Lunch was fun coz I find a warm consolation in the brightness of my buddies and their cute care towards one another. Bleh I busted too much money again. But it was fun.

Afterschool I spent some quality time with the beloved. Twas good.

Then I went to uni. Interesting stuff to learn about the revolution. In other words, read the same description in more sophisticated and convoluted language of a different historian to the previous. Most people zoned out. Permanently. I came in and out of consciousness. Not bad.

Met up with Lolo after uni. Bought her sushi. Bought 2 packs for some reason. We didn't need 8 sushi rolls. Met up with Liv. Turns out she'd bought 4 sushi rolls too. Definitely didn't need 12 sushi rolls. xP Hers was Kenzan though. <3

Ate too much again.
I'm starting to be a girl 'who eats her feelings'.
They'll need a crane to get me out of the house.

Why the flat tone?
Fear of hoping.
What if?

I really wish I could be someone that I can be with pride. I wish to be someone who I can look back on and say "I made the right choices, I did the right things". I'm finding that so hard right now. Amongst all the many choices that I have made and am making this very moment, what has truly contributed to me being able to show a glimmer of pride for what I have done? I'm just useless. Useless and hopeless at everything that I do. That's a fact.

Was thinking today about a period of time during which I had felt extremely emotionally compromised. God that was so stupid. I was on my way to uni and just sitting on the train crying.. then I got to uni and sat on the back stairs of the building and cried some more. That's all I can do when something goes wrong. Cry. But that was another story. One of those other 'minor' problems I'll push to the back of my mind for the time being.

So anyway, coupled with a retarded sense of self esteem, here I am drifting along do jack all. I don't even know what I'm doing half the time. And I don't even know where I'm going with this blog. The more I type, the more stupid it sounds.

I guess the more you put yourself out there, the greater the risk of you getting hurt. But the more you pull yourself in, the more you hurt whoever it is out there trying to get to you. Mais comment est-ce que je peux me montrer si je ne peux pas m'accepter? Je ne veux pas pleurer encore. Et puis je pleure.

I don't even know what I want.
To be wanted?

Happy Endings.

So I was opening this blog so that I could blog about how much I love Twilight. Yes, lame I know. But I do, I seriously do. I'm not saying it's the best story in the world, nor that it is extremely well written. Ok, we hit the snag, I love it for the same reason as most of the Twilight fans of the world. Because it is such an idealistic, such a romantic (or corny) story. Because it paints a beautiful picture of love. Ok, I'm a sucker for love stories. Who doesn't want a happy ending?

Then I started reading other people's blogs (as per usual) and sorta took my little vacation from my own life to delve into the mysteries of other people's lives. Alas they remain an enigma to me. Me+others = mutually exclusive. I've had my share of time despairing over that (sometimes clandestinely) but yeah. That's not gonna end.

I want a happy ending.