Scars.

When you're young, everything seems ok. What's good is great and what's not so good? It usually just goes away in a couple of days. I used to think that whenever my mum got angry, she'd just get over it overnight. I later found out that was because my sister would spend all night pleading and placating her anger. So the miracle wasn't the passing of another night, but actually my sister.

Usually, by the next time sometime happened again, I'd already forgotten the last. But things aren't like that anymore. Every time something happens, it just makes me feel worse and worse. I guess I'm older and ok with remembering all the bad things that happen nowadays. There are just so many of them.

Despite the fact that these events have occurred within my family and troubled me consistently throughout my childhood, I have found something that can hurt me even more. Not only do I remember the events that occur, I remember accurately how I feel each time the emotions hit me and why things happened and how things 'worked out'. I guess worst of all is that most times things don't 'work out', it just feels like they've been 'smoothed over' and although the feeling ceases to torment me constantly, the issue remains in my mind.

There are times where I come to think - Have I become a sad person who lives flashes of happiness here and there, rather than a happy person who occasionally experiences some sadness? I guess there are things in my mind that keep haunting me. That cannot be resolved. Why? Because once I bring them up, things will probably get worse. Because I've already tried that. Result? Smoothing over. And the sadness is accentuated.

Another thing that will not cease to inflict me with both sadness and stress is what I know is going to happen. In the past I tried to fight it. Now I have given up. All I can do is pretend it's not going to happen and then when it hits me in the face, keep pretending or shrug it off.

I know I can be really selfish. But is it not in human nature to pursue that which we desire? But when it all comes down, I am to lose what I not only desire, but need. And the situation is all the more devastating when I realise that I am the only one who wants things to be as I wish them to be. And I am foolishly trying to make things be what they cannot be. But the situation seems just so inevitable. Why can't anyone offer me comfort? Why can't things change? Why do I have to be forced to do something which requires me to sacrifice what I need the most? I don't mean to be selfish, but this is one too big a compromise. And the closer it looms, the more stressed and morose I become.

I cannot hear the words I so wish to hear.

I cannot do the things I so wish to do.

I cannot say the things I so need to say.

I cannot live the way I so need to live.

And all my sadness leaves its scars on my mind and my existence. Never to be rectified.

Who is to come to the rescue this time? Or am I to be berated for wishing that someone will come and save me? Can I not just exist as the damsel in distress?

Clueless[?]

Oh boy am I SO clueless. I guess I'm clueless about everything in my life. I kind of float from one place to another trying to hit all the right spots that need to be hit but mostly I'm just drifting.

But I guess sometimes I wish I didn't need to be clueless. But then again, there are those times where you're too afraid to clarify something that you'd rather stay clueless, which nevertheless takes its toll.

Stress levels on the rise for all population.

I thought I heard you say something,

but was I just dreaming?

Things might work out better than I expected them too. Of course, there was that terrible period of time when I thought the world was going to crash. Things are better... so far. Certainly the finances aren't so great at the moment. I'm considering writing off my own debt. Which is ridiculous because then I won't be able to achieve my goal T__T

Oh dear. I don't know why I miss you so damn much. It's like that song 'I can't stop missing you...' kinda thing. But who would understand? It doesn't really make sense does it? Though it somehow makes sense to me. Gosh. I don't want you to think I'm pathetic but I'm just so in love with you.

Maybe somehow everything will work out. Compromise?

Untitled Me.

While strategically selecting the font colour for the next update of my long forsaken blog, I hovered over my beloved grey - the blanket representation of sadness or of sorrow. I guess I'm not trying to portray such feelings. Yet all the bright, beautiful colours such as my conventional orange, my feminine pink, my serene blue and even my 'green-eyed monster' green seemed inappropriate. In the end my choice was this darker shade - more green than blue, not bright nor dark, not sad nor happy.

But what is the emotion that envelopes my world at this point in time? Or to be more artistic, which of the cornucopia of colours tinges my personal reality? What thoughts do I want to share with the world (or to be more accurate, any readers of my isolated blog)?

On my list of things to do has always been 'to improve', its position not always at the top of the hierarchy but always surfacing every now and then when my life begins to fall out of order. It had resurfaced recently in light of everything that was happening and I suppose now, more than ever, it will play a dominant role in my life.

This is a transition period. A period between periods. Settling into uni, finding my own feet amidst the plethora of things that need to be done and achieved - moving out. But let us not discuss such subjects. For now, only a general overview of things, so as to avoid treading on mentally forbidden grounds. Where lies the boundary between forbidden and acceptable? Transition within my mind - the quest to rebuild and reorder my thoughts, feelings and values and ultimately, the quest to find what it is that I can live with, and what it is I cannot without.

Triviality =]

I suddenly had the urge to write about some more random aspects of my life. =]

Have been spending my days:

Training for CBA Collections!

And now cbb writing anymore. =]

Growing up/old?

Once upon a time...

...and they lived happily ever after.

If I had to name one of the more significant aspects of my childhood, it would have to be the stories and the fairytales. Being asian, I also got the best of both worlds - thriving on the traditional Disney classic tales and also the beautiful works of those like Hayao Miyazaki. Who can deny the beauty of the morals and principles portrayed through his works? Such hope, faith and happiness!

Naturally, such themes had an impact on my development and somehow I came to be one of those people who always 'believe'. "Where there's a will there's a way" kind of thing. Watching more movies and dramas, I came to believe more and more that things can always work out eventually. Most of all, I believed somehow that love conquers all, that love is the ultimate, that nothing can surpass love.

But as per usual, life always beats you back somehow. Fortunately I now look at this in evaluation, rather than in cynicism or sadness. But most of all, I wonder - are these things true? Everyone leads their own lives - only time will show me how mine works out.

"Your law of averages is probably coming back to haunt you!"
Haha. I guess it works both ways then. I had days where I'd done 2 sales in days I'd barely pitched at all. Today it was around 30 pitches, but no sales =[

Ultimately, life is just a vicious cycle of things. Things always go déja vu - again and again. I get a big fat ZERO, then I try harder - be more determined - and I do well for a while.. then it happens again.

Hah. It's just the same with everything else. The only difference is that no matter what mood you are in, you'll earn the same when paid for the hour. When you're on commission.. everything depends on your mood. You know you're screwed when you're stuffed up - then you might as well just leave.

I guess I was just stupid believing that things could change.

The first NYE that I was able to spend the night with him. <3

Who am I? I'm not so sure. Where can I find the real me now? It feels as though there is no sanctuary and no solace ahead of me. Perhaps what I need is just to be alone. At the same time I do not wish to be alone. I need a new world, a different world.

I keep telling myself that I mustn't do this, that I cannot do that, that I shouldn't feel this. I guess I'm losing track of what is right and what is wrong to feel.

-sigh- Back to watching TV, reading books and looking at others for my dose of bitter sweetness.

Life goes by, day by day. Though I try to make a difference, everything stays the same. Who knows when, somehow, I'll find a way to change things for certain. Perhaps that day will come when I have stretched myself too far. (see here for Point Of No Return)

The image is still there in my mind. The thoughts hovering everytime. How long until I succumb to them? How long until I fall?

Another day of work.

Was a bit apprehensive about the people rushing to and fro ignoring me completely. Nevertheless, things picked up after a while and then soon I was talking to heaps of people (some unnecessarily long conversations dragged on with regards to dogs, tai chi, random chinese pitching and stuff like that).

Finally picked up my two sales, the second one was a bit strange (who knows whether he even understood what on earth was going on lol). Didn't manage to get anyone else after that and was exhausted and suffering from sore feet.

Home to an enjoyable dinner free from the grease and salt of the outside world. Topped it up with a scoop of ice cream, cherries and banana. Nice. =]

TV was good until I succumbed to sleep - in the middle of the season finale of an exciting drama. Daym! Was out like a light and groggy as. Until I remembered other things which needed to be dealt with (like my contacts etc.).

Bit of sorting things out. The room remains rubbish-tip style and my bed is as comforting as ever (though in need of a change of sheets). Brush teeth, shower and all other necessities and finally a few moments with my love.

Stricken by my need and a constant battle between sleep and my conscious thoughts. Everything else seems trivial. And bringing moisture to the eyes is the deviation from my motivation and all reason for me to live as I live now. And so brings forth more thoughts and memories and painful things to be tolerated which cannot truly be tolerated. March on till release... or insanity.

How am I to end my draining day with but a few stolen minutes in hushed whispers and barely anything to satisfy my desperate longing? Despair.

I'm not quite sure how to begin this blog. Nor how to begin to describe my feelings. It feels like life has been playing a huge joke on me, telling me everything I'd ever believed in was just a result of stupidity.

Everyone is so relieved that the haunting plague brought about by studies has been somewhat alleviated - but to me it brings at the same time a relief that it is actually over but also a kind of bruise to my self-worth.

Yes, it is just a number. Yes it is just a ranking that supposedly won't 'ever' be mentioned years down the track. But guess what? That's not really true. And as an overall event, the delivery of my results really impacted the way that I see myself. Gosh. It didn't matter so much before, but the more I think about it, the more distraught I am about these little numbers on my screen. No, I do not have any objections to the subjects that I knew I wasn't great at, but for those that I knew I was excelling in, why give me such a poor reward for my work?

If I take a moment to think about it, life is really quite down in the dumps. I'm exhausted. I'm working my butt off as much as I can - yet it does not always procure the results that I put in the effort for. Sleeping late and waking early - who knows how long I can keep this up for.

Yeah. The truth is I can't do anything to make things better. And everything keeps reminding me that I can't do anything to change what has happened and what is happening. Yeah - pretty damn useless huh?

What's probably ranked right up there amongst the most infuriating things that can happen is when I finally find a way around things, putting in my effort and dedication only to find that it is for naught. I feel like a fool.

I'm not quite sure what I'm expecting. But another nightmare of a day wasn't on my list. I don't want to face anything anymore. I want to run away, hide away by myself and turn my back on the world that has turned its back on me.

And of all the pain and avoidance that I tried to endure, it amounted not to much at all. Afterall, my company did not rate well against that of others, obviously much less worthy of time.

I'm sick of trying. Just let those tears slowly creep back into my life and consume my everything.

I remind myself to be confident, to be happy, to know that there is a purpose to everything that I do. That's what keeps me going. But when my goals dissolve out of sight and I am clouded from my aspirations then everything becomes impossible.

I paint myself a perfect picture of everything that's going on and everything that I hope to go on in the future. Yet it becomes shattered oh so easily.

-sigh- Despairing is stupid. Yet trying to address the problems just exacerbate and worsen the feelings of despair.

What purpose is there to anything I do? I'm hopeless.

The Reason

Oh mann I'm alive and yet I am not alive. I'm doing things that I should be doing and somehow things are going to work out. But things won't work out unless I know why I'm doing them. Yup. You are the reasonnnnn *sings* - you are the reason I wake up everyday - sleeeeep through the night... (how romantic is Celine Dion?)

So obviously when something means THAT much to you, you can't quite feel the same without it. I miss you so bad. You're the puzzle piece that completes my life.

Intoxication.

Always the more practical way of dealing with dilemmas is to endeavour to find a solution and a way to resolve, redress or compensate for their events. Our experiences illuminate many things to us, both good and bad. For me personally, my problems have accentuated my great sense of love.

I'm not quite sure how to express what I feel. It is a sense of need and of affection. My greatest priorities have been highlighted to me and it is my obligation to pursue and to preserve them. Sometimes things can become difficult or painful, but that only makes the happy moments more wonderful and more beautiful.

Suddenly arrives the moment where my actions no longer matter to me and what matters is only to treasure and make the most out of each and every moment I may possess. Time is sweet and stolen time is only sweeter.

Forgive me for my passion. I'm intoxicated.

My life is just one big game of pretend.

Everyday I pretend that the most important thing in my life doesn't really exist.
Everyday I pretend that somehow everything is going to work out in the future.
I pretend there is no conflict.
I pretend that I'm going to succeed in my career.
I pretend that I'm going to live a comfortable life.
I pretend that I'm working hard.
I pretend that my parents will accept everything as I've planned it.
I pretend that people are better than they really are.
I pretend that things will all work out if we just will them to.

I pretend I pretend I pretend.

I pretend I don't cry.

And amidst all this pretense, I can't really tell anymore which is the truth and which is fake.

Who the hell am I anyway?

How am I supposed to be able to be who I want to be?

Am I to continue to pretend that things will work out just fine?
Am I to continue to believe that there are not a billion obstacles that stand in front of me?
Am I to continue to pretend I can transcend any of them?

I hate everything.
And I fail to pretend.
I don't want to pretend anymore.

Screw everything.
I'll pretend I want to be alone.
And I'll pretend I want company.
I'll pretend I want someone to understand.
And I'll pretend that someone does.

I had my uni french exam today!
It had that feeling which I assume is my brain saying 'you ain't going nowhere now'.
So less stress. More dealing with the situation that I am facing.
Good old exam reaction when I am to a certain extent, prepared.

Final exam on weds.
French.
Then work.
Then home.
Then exhaustion, sleep and looking for more work?
Lol.

What if it all doesn't work out?
Then I'm screwed.
There are so many things that could potentially (and have a high potential) to go wrong.
Bleh!
I'm trying my best. I really am.

And amongst all these things.
I try my best to avoid everything that is unpleasant.
Keep a peaceful mind.
Remind myself over and over.
Pushing away what I don't want to deal with.

And the strangest thing is.
When I push one thought out of my head.
Another one pops up.
It's a never-ending flow of thoughts!
Why can't suppression work for me?
Stupid Freud =]

I can't believe it.
I miss psych already.
Haha.
I don't understand how life works. =/
Have I made the right choices?

Am I hiding away from everything that is wrong?
Is it going to come back and terrorise me?
I don't want to face it.

Was just watching another old HK drama on TVB and it was one of those comical ones about the time just before the law was set that men could only wed ONE wife.

So anyway, it just made me think about this whole sort of thing. (God it's an informal expository essay, I even have the anecdote >.<) Bah, I can't describe how I feel. I am, in fact, confronted with the brutal reality of things. Men are just not very monogamous.

Bleh. As I have always said, all girls, in some form or manner, overtly or secretly, are jealous.

What am I even saying?

Hahaha, anyway, I have tuition soon, then I'm going to dye my hair. Yay.

I'm bored of this blog.

Get out of my head you silly thought.

On the other hand, it is interesting to note that people will always be willing to believe a false version of things if it gives them an alternative to something they do not wish to confront. I do it all the time. In censoring the truth from others, am I prohibiting myself to view things with clarity?

Gosh I just don't even know what's going on =/

I suppose what I've come to is a bland acceptance of things, however they may be. It's not intolerable, but it's not that much greater than bleak.

Maybe things will get better in the future. =]

Surprises are so sweet. =]
And as I said to mum, what girl doesn't like a surprise (except my mum herself). Haha!

My sister is engaaaaaged.

Hehe, I'll keep dreaming.
I'm smittened just seeing other people's romances.

*keeps dreaming*

Solace.

As humans, we are often far too biased to keep our opinions from clouding our judgement. We attach emotions and expectations to everything of significance that we encounter and thus cannot establish a truely objective reality.

This applies to things as simple as going to a restaurant. The first time you go, you relish the feeling of freshness and the unexplored. You then return again and again, seeking those positive feelings that your experience once elicited. But as you go back again and again, you find that you can no longer find what you were expecting because it is 'no longer as good as it once was'. Is that true? Is it the restaurant that's changed, or is it you?

Anyhow, I must remind myself over and over, that the past was not perfect, the present isn't perfect nor will the future be perfect. You just have to deal with it. Stop clouding your mind with exaggerated emotions of happiness, or sadness or anything of the sort. If things change, it's because people change, because people adapt.

Ultimately, life is full of ups and downs, and it all just comes down to how we look at it. We'll always reminisce of a time where things were wonderful - just to offer ourselves a moment of solace. Here lies my solace.

Never had I found

That reality could surpass fantasy

That what could be imagined

Would be exceeded by reality

Bursts of passion and romance

Sweetness to the eyes, the lips, the mind

The halcyon passing of time

Bringing to me all that is life.

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

That's a principle I learned many, many years ago. Originally its meaning intended to discourage kids from bullying one another and to encourage them to treat each other nicely.

Ultimately, my favourite kind of love is still 'sweet love', the love that is raw and fresh! The love that is new and unexplored. That's adapting, that's anticipating, that's sweet and romantic!

Dou hai gong fan gor goe. Tum har ngor la, hol ma?

I'll wait.

And yet I cannot escape the mist of doubt, of fear and of sadness.
I am afraid.
I am so afraid.

And my birthday began and ended as one. Shrouded in uncertain tears.