It was at first a senseless dream, really.. Then all of a sudden, it became an agonising nightmare. One that felt like I was grating off my own finger or peeling off my own skin. It was the worst nightmare I'd ever had.

What was so awful about it? I think it managed to touch on every single one of my insecurities and remind me how things are/could be. There was no one who could help me. No one who could understand. No one who could offer me the slightest bit of comfort.

Which is as it would be in such a situation. I'd drown in my own sorrow. Jump off a building. Stick a knife in my chest. Run onto a freeway. Lie in the train tracks. Anything to end my agony.

Then my eyes open. It is bright. Yet I realise that I have woken from one nightmare into another. There is no escaping. More bad news. Then no news at all. I don't know what's worse. Too wary to get out of bed. Too traumatised to fall back asleep.

I said I wouldn't cry anymore.

Coherency.

Why is it so hard?
Was it so much for me to ask for?
If it's such a chore, then let's just never do it again.

It's all good and well for you.
It's not like you ever have any difficulty.

But this is all I get.

Deny me of it then.

Would it work out if I denied you too?
Make you understand?

Would you even understand?

I guess you just don't understand what it is to me.
But as I said. It's all I get.

Am I so selfish to want it?

I don't want your charity.
Just tell me once and for all that you don't want it.
And it'll be over and done with.

And I'll find my own way.

In the meantime..
Excuse the appropriate pun that I would have otherwise written.

Frugality Regime Day 2.

Day 2.

Technical Grade: Pass!

Self Grade: Pass!

Recordings:

From own pocket: 60 cents

Food: Sushi roll, miso soup and maccas cone (total ~ $5)

Other spendings: $9.90

Comments:

Not bad. Spent much less than yesterday. On food also due to not having bought any exquisite drinks! Other spendings were dispensed to prevent further regret on item which was much lusted after for an extended period of time. =]

Frugality Regime Day 1.

Day 1.
S and S policy implementation. (scab and save)

Technical Grade: Pass

Self Grade: Not satisfactory.

Recordings:

From own pocket: $0
Food: Miso and C&B Ultimate Ice Blended (total < $10)

Other spendings: $81

Comments:

Satisfactory in terms of having dispensed any of my own money. Dissatisfactory in regard to the amount spent regardless. A portion were somewhat essentials.

Something that really touches on your insecurities..

I didn't like New Moon. I mean, it was Twilight, but it was awful. I'm not sure how many times I cried reading that book. (whose origins were again, worthy of noting) Now I'm re-reading Shopaholic and Baby (you guys all know the Shopaholics series yeah? Confessions of a Shopaholic, maybe?) and EUUUURGHH it's so awful it makes me wanna scream!

You know that thing. Where you think.. omg is something wrong? And then you try and dig into it and you hit a wall and think OMFG SOMETHING IS WRONG!! Haha. Then your other half gets all shifty.. goes out on mysterious meetings and never seems to have any time left for you for supposedly legitimate reasons. Bleh. Gross. Disgusting. *vomits*

Ok. So all my life I'd thought 'Hey, poor girl.' when I see these kinda things happen on TV. (like, omg poor girl her husband is totally neglecting her etc.) Then mum will say 'Omg what a loser. Her husband NEEDS to work, or else where would all the money come from?'. Ok. So I try to accept her opinion. But daymmm! I totally get what it feels like. Bleh.

Not that I'm saying that anything is wrong with me or anything. Just that.. these situations are so awful I thought I'd blog about them coz they're awful. Ew.

But yeah, as I was saying: Shopaholic and Baby.
You get these sexy, good-looking, skinny chicks who suddenly get along really well with your other half. You're like.. 'ok.. that's fine. I trust him.' - then we hit a snag. 'I don't trust her.' Ewness. Gosh that is so awful. Then you get that awful situation when you try to confront your other half and then they get annoyed and then you spend even less time with them and it gets worse and worse and then you die.

Ha.

That's so awful.

You know there's something wrong when you avoid verbalising whatever it may be that is eating away at you. Just because you don't want to shatter your beautifully constructed picture. That's when you realise that this conjured-up reality is nowhere near any form of reality.

Maybe our school should have done reality for context. I'd have a bit to talk about. But then again, it's not like conflict isn't applicable either. Great. Wonderful. Let's hope I can ace the next context sac then, huh?

Don't you love those moments, where you feel like just saying "f**k this sh!t I'm outta here"? Then you sit down and think, "nono, that's not the right way to think.. think about it this way instead". Ha! I love that. Because it's a never-ending cycle. Life sucks. Nono, life is great. No, life sucks. Life is what you make of it. Doesn't that mean life sucks? Think of all the things that make life wonderful!

Ah. Then we hit that nasty kink. All the things that make life wonderful. Don't you love it when they all tumble away? Then, you have nothing left to back up your argument with. Then you just accept it. Life sucks. Until you feel your conditioned head automatically thinking "NO TO HELL WITH YOU LIFE IS GREAT!".

Words do not act like acids and bases. You can't neutralise them. They linger long after they are said.